Not doing too well

 So, back in April I started a new med, Abilify. I think it's another med that I won't be able to take due to negative side effects.

I started taking it at night, and it takes me forever to fall asleep, and I wake up a lot, fuzzy brain during the day. The tricky thing is that about 2 weeks after I started Abilify, Jon lost his job, so was my insomnia caused by the med or the stress of Jon's job? After a med check last Wednesday, I was told to start taking it in the morning, to see if that made a difference.

I messaged on Monday evening, and the new plan is that I'm back to half a pill, instead of a full pill, and continue to take it in the morning until my next med check in mid-July, which will be two days before I can see my counselor. I will be so glad when I can see him regularly, instead of hoping and waiting there will be a cancellation that opens up and I can take.

I also found out today that the man who murdered my uncle and his fiancé has died. He filed three appeals after the initial conviction; one is still open as it was just filed about a month ago. I'm upset. Part of me is glad he's dead, but I wish he would have lived long enough to have the third appeal denied, then spend some time in jail, then died. I know this doesn't make me an awesome person, and vindictive, but he took two lives! He deserves to suffer little bit for that, right?

So, being tired all the time, not sleeping well, and then getting this news...I'm a little bit of a mess tonight.

Firefly's 9th

 Yesterday was 9 years since it was confirmed we would not be bringing home another baby.  We watched a family movie after dinner (Upside Down Magic), Lucy wrote a note that she burned in the fire, an then we roasted marshmallows and had s'mores. It wasn't s huge thing, but it was what we could do this year.

Sparklers, like we've done in years past, just didn't feel right to me this year, so that's why we did the fire and s'mores. I loved that Lucy wrote her own note to Firefly, but it makes me sad that this is Lucy's reality. That she has a mom who misses other children. That she has siblings she will never get to know.

Firefly, I hope you felt our love yesterday, and every day. I hope you are happy with how we honored you yesterday. I love you. Mom.

Transitions are hard

 Jon got a job offer on Friday. Yay! That's a really good thing. He hasn't accepted it yet, as he's hoping to get a second offer this coming week, and he would choose between them. But, it's a significant pay cut to where we are now.

I KNOW that he's stepping down the corporate ladder so there will be a reduced salary, but it's still a transition, so I'm having a hard time with it right now. I know we'll adjust, as he's had this salary before and we did just fine, but the whole transition of it, and scaling back, and having a huge budget discussion tomorrow is making me nervous.

I've also been looking at getting a part-time job. I applied to one remote position tonight (I'm not likely to get it as there are at least 50 other applicants for this 10 hour/week job). And I'm entertaining getting my substitute teaching license, so I can still have some flexibility but bring some money into the house so we don't have to cut as much from the budget.

Things on the chopping block include lawn service, pest control, gym membership, Lucy's gymnastics, Lucy's swim and Gus' indoor skydiving. I don't care so much about the lawn service or pest control. I'm really trying to focus more on exercise, so I don't want to have to give up the gym, but we do have weights in the basement. And I REALLY don't want to give up the kids' activities.

I hope the conversation tomorrow goes well, we're able to figure out a budget, and the transition goes as smoothly as possible.

Well, that sucks

 Jon was laid off on Friday. Not due to anything he did or didn't do. His company was bleeding money, and his department got put on the chopping block. So, Friday before Mother's Day was not the best day. And it was a day I was supposed to be volunteering for the PTA at the staff appreciation luncheon. So, I got through that, shed some tears, and now we're here.

Jon reached out to his connections, and by the end of today, had submitted applications for six different positions. He will likely take a pay cut, but with that will be a reduction in stress, which will be a good thing. That doesn't mean I'm not nervous or scared, because who wants to lose money, but we've been okay on less than what he was making, so we'll be okay on his new salary, whatever it will be. It will just takes some adjustments to our mindsets. We'll have to stop and think again before spending any money, and it can't be an automatic.

The thought of not being able to have the kids do their extra-curriculars is super hard right now. The only thing Gus is really interested in is indoor skydiving, which isn't cheap. A 15-minute lesson is about $270 Which we were able to afford monthly before. Now, who knows? I've given some thought to getting a part-time job, but then the worries and obstacles rear up, and I get scared and nervous.

I've looked into what it would take to get my substitute teaching license, and while the process isn't hard, would I cut it? Would it even be worth to have if I suck as a sub? There are other jobs with school districts that I might enjoy, but because I'm on the school board, I can't get a job in my own district, which means schedules might not line up with days off. What am I going to do with Lucy if I have to work and there's no school?

There's also the loss of flexibility that I would really miss. Right now I get to set my own schedule for everything. If I get a part-time job (outside of a school district), will they give me summers and breaks off? Will they let me work one 8-hour shift a week? And even if they do, how do I get back into the job market when my depression is where it is right now? And with summer coming up?

Jon says I'm overthinking. That we need to wait and see what his income will be. He hasn't even had a job interview yet, so I'm worrying right now for nothing. And, we would make whatever job I have work. Even if I brought in a couple hundred dollars a month, that would help with funding the indoor skydiving. So, that gave me some perspective that I don't need to find a super full-time job. I'd basically need to sub 2 times per month, or work one 8-hour shift twice a month at a non-school job to bring in (before taxes) around $250.

I have a friend who recently re-entered the workforce by subbing, so I reached out to her so we could chat about the process and how it's going. So, we'll see.

It's been quite a while

 I cannot believe that it's been over 4 years since I've last written here. I'm sure any followers that I had are long gone, but I find myself needing to come back to this space. Our family moved, again, in July 2018, and are now Illinois residents. I'm still a SAHM, but I'm just finishing my first year as a member of the local board of education. Gus is now 11 and in 6th grade, while Lucy is now 7 and in 1st grade.

For now, let's just say that I did find antidepressants that I didn't negatively react to, but it turns out they weren't the best meds for me to be on, and the counselor I was seeing wasn't the right fit. So, I've been off of counseling and antidepressants since just before Christmas, and I started with a new psychiatrist and counselor in April. The psych started me on a different med (haven't been on it long enough to know if it's making a difference or if I'll react to is), and I've had two sessions with my new counselor. I didn't realize until a couple weeks ago just how much trauma I've been through in my life. Not just the losses of my kids, but other things, too. So, I've begun, slowly, to unravel the trauma...which I haven't actually done before. So, maybe I'll be writing here more often, and maybe I won't. But, tackling trauma is where I'm going.

5 months

It has been 5 months since my mom died. I'm still here, but it's hard to write with so much going on emotionally, physically and mentally.

Death and Anniversaries

I have been thinking recently how long it has been since I've written here, and how when things are going well, I may not need to write here as often, which is a good thing for me-enjoying life and not over-processing it, but I knew I'd come here soon. I wanted to write about Firefly's day in June and write about Oscar's and Bella's birthday later this month. Perhaps I will write about them, but today, my heart has been shattered again.

My mom died unexpectedly. July 19th is the last day I saw, and ever will see, my Mom's body. We didn't talk on the phone a lot, so I don't know the last time I spoke with her, but I had an email from her in my inbox that I hadn't responded to yet. She asked about it earlier in the day, if I had answered. It was about me bringing the kids up for a visit next week.

By the time I got to the hospital, she was already gone. Had I gotten there earlier, she wouldn't have known I was there, as she was unconscious from around 12:40pm until her death between 4pm and 5:50pm while I was driving to the hospital (2.5 hour drive from my house to the hospital where she was), so I'm not too distraught about not being there when she died. I wish I could have answered the email though, so it didn't feel like I left her hanging. My sister said she was excited to see the kids next week, and now she's gone. She will never see Gus and Lucy grow up. She would never see Lucy in any dance clothes or recitals, something my mom would have absolutely adored. She will never be there for anything, ever again.

So much of what is happening now is reminiscent of when Oscar and Bella died. It is hard to balance my own grieving with being a support for others because I have been through unexpected and too soon deaths already. I am grateful that my grief with my kids can help navigate this time for my step-dad, but am so sad that my mom is gone, and that I have to navigate this at all.

Diabetes Update in Bullets

• I went to Boston this week to see if I was eligible to participate in a clinical trial working to reverse Type 1 diabetes using the BCG vaccine. The lab needed to run a c-peptide test (a measure of insulin production) and are accepting those with values between 5 and 200. (Note: A non-diabetic with a normal functioning pancreas would be between 170 and 900). My results came back at the lowest threshold of 1.5. What this means is that my actual value of c-peptide is AT MOST 1.5. There is a "second chance" to get into the study by having my urine tested, so I'm awaiting the urine test kit to do next week. I knew my chances of getting into the study were slim, but it's still stinky to not qualify.
• Ever since joining a gym, and exercising every day, I've had to reduce my basal rates by 10%!!!! Apparently exercise increases sensitivity to insulin.
• I'm uploading my pump and meter weekly to my diabetes educator and we are making changes. The biggest challenge right now is figuring out what to do to prevent lows, both while exercising and after exercising.
• I had my A1c done on Monday, and it came back at 6.2!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those not diabetic would be between 4 and 6. A 6.2 puts my average blood sugar for the past 3 months at 131.

So, while I'm likely not going to be eligible to participate in finding a cure for diabetes (in this study), overall, my diabetes is doing well, and I'm living to fight another day.

A letter to my former fitness instructor

May 10, 2017

Brent,

I greatly hesitated writing this letter, but am doing it anyway. So, take it for what you will, be it a letter from the crazy lady in your MSCR 45 Strength or a client testimonial.

I simply want to express my gratitude that you were my instructor for 45 Strength September 2016-March 2017. There I was a stay-at-home-mom of a 6-year-old son, Gus, and almost 2-year-old daughter, Lucy. Our family had recently moved back to Madison after living in a small town in Iowa, where minds were mostly small and opportunities to meet people outside of a church were scarce. I was really looking forward to taking a strength class. I was looking forward to have time alone without the needs of my kids coming first. I was looking forward to doing something for my four children in Heaven, Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly, as attention for them is sometimes hard to come-by with the tasks of everyday family living. I was looking forward to getting stronger and feeling better about my body, knowing we are done having kids.

I was nervous about having a male instructor for an exercise class, as I had never had one before, but you were just what I needed. You fit exactly what I needed: some goofiness, lots of motivation, modifications for each exercise so I could choose which level to try, and so many reminders that my fitness journey was my own, where I was on that day was not where I had been in the past or where I would be in the future. At some point, I’m not sure when. I began to believe you, that I was making progress, that I could choose heavier weights and that I was getting stronger. And then, after that, I wasn’t going to class to show Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly what their mom could do. I was going to class because I liked it. I liked that I felt stronger. I liked that I was doing something for me. I liked that I was taking time for myself and using it to improve my mind and body.

And now here we are today, about two months since my last class with you. In that time, I tried out the new instructor for 45 Strength and it was NOT a good fit. My husband, Jon (who has been lifting weights every day for the past year), and I did some gym shopping and two weeks ago he moved from Gold’s and we started at Princeton Club. I’ve been going every day since then. Me exercising every day is not something I think I’ve done since I was a kid, when playing was exercising. I’m trying to find my way in the big gym, feeling comfortable in most of the group classes, feeling uncomfortable in the free weight area, working up courage to try a water exercise class and trying my best, but not doing very well, to try to remember some of the workouts you had us do in class.

I know I gave you some grief in class, and for that I apologize, but know that it was coming from the heart, mind and body of someone who has always felt her body was broken. Type 1 diabetes since the age of two and infertility and pregnancy loss in my twenties and thirties told me over and over again, day after day, that my body was broken, weak and sometimes worthless. That mindset is changing. My body is still broken: stupid pancreas and reproductive system, but the rest of my body can be fine, can be strong and can be worth a whole lot. So, thank you. Thank you for being what I needed at a time that I was ready to change.

Sincerely,

Brianna

My Mother's Ring

Jon designed a beautiful ring for me for Mother's Day this year. While I have felt my emotions since I've received my ring, I haven't been able to put words to them quite yet, so I apologize for my scattered writings below.