Tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School

We bereaved parents know the path that these parents are just now beginning on. We know some of the emotions they will feel and the questions they will ask. Why did my child have to die? My son wasn’t feeling well this morning, why didn’t I keep him home from school today, because if I did he wouldn’t be dead? Was my daughter scared as she took her last breath? Did she know how much I loved her? Was she calling for me? Why couldn’t I save and protect her? We know the bittersweet moments they will encounter when they see their dead child’s classmates reach milestones that should have been met by their own children. We know what they will miss as there are elementary, middle, high school and college graduations, first loves, first dates, engagements, marriages and grandchildren. They will miss watching their children grow to be who they were meant to be. No one should have to know this pain. No one should have to walk this path. My heart and tears go out to all of the children that are now in heaven, the parents, family members and friends of those children and the community that must try to wrap their hearts and heads around this tragic event.

Happiness is in the heart...

I opened up a Dove chocolate today and the following was inside the wrapper:

Happiness in is the heart, not in the circumstances.

Sad Dreams and Anxious Nights

A few nights ago I work in the morning after having a terrible dream. I don't remember much of the dream, but what I do remember had me in tears upon waking. Gus was in the hospital and breathing through a ventilator. I was sitting in a chair holding him while he looked up at me and I could tell that he wanted to stop being on the ventilator. I asked him, "Gus do you want to stop breathing?" and he nodded yes "Are you sure you want to stop breathing and leave us?" Then I woke up. I don't frequently have dreams of my children, any of them, but when they are like this, so real and so emotional, it makes me scared that something terrible is going to happen.

I don't like feeling like this

I’m bitter. I’m bitter and angry. I’m bitter and angry that I tried to do the right thing and now I’m the one who’s been chastised, kicked out and looked at as a drama queen. I’m angry that something that used to bring me comfort as something to do for Oscar, Bella and Tittle has been tainted. I’m saddened that I’m questioning not going to group anymore because I don’t want to share my kids and my life with her anymore, and don’t feel comfortable there anymore. I’m upset that the words and actions of one person are having this effect on me. I’m frustrated that I can’t LET THIS GO and move on with my life in honoring my kids how I did before. I want to stop questioning how someone will interpret what I put on facebook, so instead don’t put anything. I want to stop doubting myself and reach out to my friends, but they are still IN the group. I don’t want to be hurt again, so don’t reach out at all and feel so alone. I’m hoping that my counselor will be able to give me a better perspective on this to help me.

My First Thanksgiving After...

Thanksgiving used to be one of those holidays that I loved, but wasn't that big of a deal. During school I got a long break, my mom cooked a big meal, I got to see family and it was usually pretty relaxing. Then post-college work began, and after I left teaching, I didn't always get Friday off. I wasn't always able to go visit my family. I didn't always get the big home-cooked meal. It was okay. Living so close to my sister made it better. She did most of the cooking, I added my contributions and it still felt like a nice holiday. Then we were pregnant with a due date of January 1, 2010, but it was a twin pregnancy, so the ultimate goal was to carry them until December 4. We could have still made Thanksgiving; my sister only lives 45 minutes away. If anything happened on Thanksgiving we could leave her house and head straight to the hospital. But then Oscar and Bella were born at the end of July 2009.

My Clinical Trial has Ended

In late June, at a routine endocrinology appointment, I was asked if I was interested in participating in a clinical trial for the Minimed Veo Pump and the Enlite Sensor. I was told that after this study, which would include over 250 participants across the country, the data would be presented to the FDA to gain approval for sale in the United States. I jumped at the chance to be involved in the latest technology to help people have an easier, better and more informed approach to managing diabetes.

Why Potty Training Makes Me Cry

Planning ahead for potty training, Jon and I have had a potty chair in Gus' bathroom since he was 18-months-old. He would rarely sit on it, usually before bath time, but it was there, present, available and he would sometimes want to sit on it. It was at this same time that we began to leave the door open when we used the bathroom and began to invite him to go with us. We knew that we were laying the groundwork for potty training. Some day, Gus would become interested and we would be ready.

My Cousin Died

My cousin died yesterday. This was not the first cousin of mine that died…she is the second. The eldest first cousins on both my mom’s and dad’s side are now dead. Both from cancer. Angela died last year at 43 years old. Margie died yesterday, just a few days after she was set up on a pain pump by hospice. She was 44 years old. Her two wishes before her death were that her pain would get under control and that she would die quickly. Her wishes came true.

World Diabetes Day--Random Thoughts

To those not in the know, November 14 is World Diabetes Day, but every day for me is diabetes day. Every day I test my blood sugar. Every day I wear my insulin pump. Almost every day I wear my continuous glucose monitoring sensor. Every day I wonder why I was high or low. Every day I wonder if I will continue to live complication-free.

Halloween 2012

Yesterday was fun, sad and bittersweet. Three families and ours came together for dinner and trick-or-treating. There were 11 people in our group, one parent missing due to work, and 11 children that we all were missing and wishing could be trick-or-treating with us.

Welcome

At the time of this writing, there are only two living people who know this blog exists: my husband and me. Because I began this blog as a way for me to help myself, I’m okay with having no readers, but part of me secretly hopes that over time, in an organic and natural fashion, without me advertising that my blog is here.