My Cousin Died

My cousin died yesterday. This was not the first cousin of mine that died…she is the second. The eldest first cousins on both my mom’s and dad’s side are now dead. Both from cancer. Angela died last year at 43 years old. Margie died yesterday, just a few days after she was set up on a pain pump by hospice. She was 44 years old. Her two wishes before her death were that her pain would get under control and that she would die quickly. Her wishes came true.

While talking with my mom over the phone last night, when she called to tell me that Margie had passed, there were times where tears came to my eyes, but it wasn’t out of sadness that Margie had died. It was more for my uncle, who had to watch his daughter and best friend travel the road to death. Part of me questions if I’ve lost my ability to be sad when an adult dies?

After hanging up with my mom, I spoke with Jon and cried, but not for Margie. I cried for my uncle. I cried for me because those feelings I had when Oscar, Bella and Tittle died rose to the surface. I don’t really have any strong emotions simply because she died. She was in pain. She wanted to die quickly. Does that make me a terrible person…that I don’t feel bad for her? That I’m not grieving for her? I wasn’t really close to her, and perhaps that makes a difference. I just can’t help wondering…are my emotions normal?