Brain Dump

There's so much going on in my head, and with my adjustment to being a SAHM, I'm finding it difficult, time-wise, to get it out here. So, it's Saturday afternoon, I'm still in my pajamas, Gus was put to bed by Jon and he's downstairs exercising. So, hopefully I can clear some thoughts from my brain.

I miss my kids that aren't here. I know Mother's Day is tomorrow, and Jon and Gus have plans for what to do, and I want to be happy, but there is always a part of me that is incredibly sad on Mother's Day. I was very early pregnant on Mother's Day 2009, with Oscar and Bella. Jon asked if I wanted to celebrate, and I said no. We'd celebrate the next year. Well, that was my ONLY Mother's Day with them and I didn't celebrate because I thought we'd have forever. This was supposed to be my first Mother's Day with two kids at home. Firefly would be about 3 months old. I'm sure Jon would have found some wonderful way for her to make me a present, but I'll never know what it is, because she's not here.

Today we are 17w3d with Bean. This is the gestational point that my labor started with Oscar and Bella, though I didn't realize it until later. Tomorrow will be when we found out that Oscar's sac was bulging and I was admitted to the hospital. Monday will be the day we learned I did not have an infection, but did learn that Bella's placenta was detaching, and unless a miracle occurred, we would not be bringing home our kids. Tuesday will be when Oscar and Bella were born and died. Thursday I will have my next cervical length check.

I did have a cervical length u/s this past Thursday, and I had different u/s tech. I told her that I hoped a note was added to my chart because I needed to see my baby. Leading up to this week, I needed to know that everything, at that moment, was okay with Bean. She told me that whenever she does a cervical length u/s, afterwards she always does a brief abdominal u/s to check for a heartbeat. I almost started crying when I heard that. The tech started the u/s and measured the cervix first, but this time she compressions (pushing on my abdomen), whereas last week the tech didn't have me do this. So, when the cervix measurements were done, she measured me at 3.8cm, so down from 4.0, but I figured that this was well within the realm of acceptable when I was creating pressure on my cervix this week and last week we didn't do that. Then, she did the very short (less than 2 minutes) abdominal u/s. I started to tear up and had to stop myself. I just thanked her profusely for showing me Bean. Heart rate was at 144bpm and she gave us one picture.

The tech purposefully asked Gus his name, and then added the text.
That made Gus so happy. He really thinks that Bean was saying hi to him.

My P17 injections, on the other hand, continue to cause me anxiety. I got a call on Tuesday from Makena stating that I was approved for the shots and they sent my prescription to an in-network pharmacy for me. I called that pharmacy to find out what the process was to get the meds. I was told I'd be called within 72 hours to let me know the charge. Once I agreed to that, and gave them authorization to speak with my doctor's office, they would overnight the meds to my doc's office. I was so relieved...until the next day.

On Wednesday I got a call from the pharmacy, gave them my insurance information, and was told I could expect a call back; they had my insurance information that was valid in April, but not the new insurance that started May 1. Shortly after that I got a phone call back from the pharmacy. They are not in-network for my new insurance, so they couldn't process the prescription and it would have to be sent to a different pharmacy, and a new prior authorization would be done. I was pissed. Why were they working with my old insurance company and not my new one? I had given this information to the nurse at the doc's office.

So, I called the nurse to let her know the update. "The old insurance won't process it even though they approved the prior authorization?" I wanted to scream. No, of course the won't!!! I'm not covered under them yet and no claim has been made to them yet!!! It's been one week since my insurance with them ended, they're not going to cover anything that happens today!!! So, she said that she would get working on the prior auth for the new insurance.

On Friday, I heard back from the nurse that she submitted the prior auth the new insurance company, but they denied it since my previous pre-term birth was twins and not a singleton. She was going to appeal with the fact that Gus tried to come early at 33w. The insurance company has 72 hours (I'm assuming starting on Monday) to reply to the appeal. I'm just so annoyed. I don't know how much these shots are going to cost, but from the minimal searching I've done online it will be less than $500 for the meds. If insurance isn't going to cover it, and we're going to have to pay ourselves, I wish I would have known that earlier so that I could have started them at 17 weeks like I wanted. I'm already waiting for something to go terrible this week with Bean's pregnancy and now I have to wait to hear from the insurance company, too.

I'm worried that we won't be able to find out if Bean is a boy or a girl. I asked during the u/s on Thursday if she could check, and she said she doesn't even look down there until the anatomy scan. What if Bean doesn't cooperate????? I've had such a hard time bonding to Bean and this pregnancy, and I think a large part of it is because I don't have many pictures. I'm a very visual person, so I need the u/s and the pictures from them. Since Thursday, I can feel that I've started to bond more and more to Bean, and I think it's because of that picture. And I can feel that I NEED to know if Bean's a boy or girl. Hopefully I can get a tech who will check early during one of the next three cervical length u/s so that everything's not riding on Bean cooperating at the anatomy scan.

It feels so good to be able to get these thoughts out of my head where they've been swimming for the last few days without an outlet. Thank goodness for this time to spend on me.