5 years ago today

5 years ago today I held two amazing people: Oscar and Bella.

5 years ago today I was scared. The shock of Oscar and Bella being born so early, and that we wouldn't get to take them home, hadn't set in yet. When they were brought back into the hospital room, after being cleaned up, I fell more in love with them than I could have ever imagined. My two perfect children were dead, but were still beautiful. Jon and I unwrapped them to see their entire bodies. We each held them. My heart was filled with love, but was beginning to shatter at the same time.

5 years ago today I gave birth to my first two children. I never got to hear them cry. I never got to see their eyes. I never got to feel their hands wrap around mine or feel their arms wrap me in a hug.  never got to hear them say, "I love you." There are so many things that I didn't, and don't, get to experience with them.

But I know this much is true. They have changed me in ways that I can't even fully describe. I love more strongly. I keep away from drama more easily. I look for signs from them in the quiet moments. I enjoy the, sometimes, boredom of life now.

But with all these good things that have happened within me because of their death, I still miss them terribly. My love for them still lives in my broken heart, but with no physical people to give that love to. My heart swells with this love and grief and, while I can try to give that love to Gus it's just not the same.

Happy 5th birthday Oscar and Bella. I'll be sending my love to you, today and every day. I hope that you can feel how truly loved you are and that you get the balloons we'll be sending to your birthday party later today.