I've mostly calmed down since Thursday. I'm still sad, but am also annoyed, angry and hurt.
First, I know that whether or not you vaccinate yourself or your children, if you have living children, is a totally personal choice. Jon and I choose to vaccinate. I've gotten the flu shot every year since I was 9 (because I'm diabetic) and I haven't had the flu since I was 8. As such, I'm a strong believer in the flu vaccine. With that stated, I'm pissed at my sister.
Now that we are a 7-hour drive from the majority of my family and Gus will be starting school the opportunities to go visit have dramatically decreased. Trying to think ahead to Christmas 2014, Lucy will be about 10 weeks old. This is far too young for her to receive the flu vaccine, so the best protection we can give her is to keep her away from those who are not vaccinated and could introduce the flu to her.
It was already confirmed with my dad that he and my step-mom vaccinate each year. I sent separate emails to my three sisters and mom & step-dad inquiring if they vaccinate. The first response I received back was from Sister #2, the drama-queen that if we weren't blood related I would likely have nothing to do with her ever. She, her husband, my niece and nephew, will not be getting vaccinated. I asked her if she would consider getting vaccinated this year, as 4 non-vaccinated people is too many to have around Lucy, so that we could come up for Christmas. Her response? "Not big on the flu shot. Sorry"
With that response, I am now unable to go visit my parents until April 2015, at the earliest. Lucy won't be old enough for the vaccine until then (assuming she's born in October) and that's when Gus has a spring vacation from school. I get that it's her body and her choice, but in the time that she took to reply to my inquiry, I knew she hadn't even thought about getting it this year so that we could come up. That's what I'm pissed about. Her choice dictates that I can't go see my family and she didn't even think about it.
She, who lives in town and can see my parents whenever she damn well pleases, but only really contacts them when she needs something and totally takes them all for granted. She who only contacts me, usually by email, when she's trying to sell something from one of the many at-home business she's a consultant for. She who thinks only of herself.
So, I will not get to see my family this year at Christmas, and I'm sad. I cried for about 2 hours on Thursday night. My dad had just left that day and Gus had a great time visiting with him. Now, it's going to be at least 8 months before Gus & Grandpa can hang out again, unless he comes to visit. My mom won't get to meet Lucy until she's 8mo old as she winter's in Florida, so it will be June before they meet.
The pissed part of me knows that I will not keep quiet about this. I will choose my moments to voice how the only reason we aren't coming for Christmas is because of those unwilling to vaccinate this year.
We don't vaccinate against the flu either. In 2008, I was working at Childrens Hospital of UPMC and they had mandatory vaccinations for obvious reasons. Two weeks before I'd discover I was pregnant I had the flu. Obviously neither the flu shot nor the pregnancy worked out.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I wouldn't not go see my family for Christmas just because your sister refuses to get the flu vaccine. We had Isaac out in public at 3 days old--long before he was vaccine eligible--and I did it because I'm a firm believer in both herd immunity and natural immunity but in your case specifically--unless your sister, and family are showing active symptoms of the flu immediately prior to your visit the odds are extremely low that there would be any danger.
Still, the choice to not go is YOURS and yours alone. I just hope that you're able to find a good middle ground in it all.
40% of children that die from the flu that are under the age of 5 have no other health complications, meaning they died specifically because they got the flu. With Lucy only being (at most) 10w old, I'm not willing to take the risk of her getting the flu that young and dying.
DeleteUnfortunately, there really isn't a middle ground this year. Our "herd" at a family visit consists of 15 people: 4 confirmed they won't vaccinate, and 3 that don't normally (I didn't ask them since Jon and I aren't comfortable with the confirmed 4 being unvaccinated this Christmas) So, that's half the herd, keeping in mind that 4 of them are kids, so not necessarily the most hygienic people.
And yes, I will take Lucy out in public (I'll have to), but that's different, to me, than family wanting to hold her, breathe on her and kiss her.
You're not going to like this...but...you choosing not to go is on you, not your sister. As a family member I'd have to side with her when you start complaining that you "can't go" because she won't vaccinate. I'm sorry, but that's on you.
DeleteIsaac was 12 1/2 weeks old his first Christmas--and was exposed to a church full of people on Christmas eve, 10 kids under 18 between our 3 Christmas stops, and 1 aunt who is a cow farmer. Would I have allowed obviously ill family to hold him, no but at the same time I wasn't not going to go just because he was still so young.
We all have to be accountable for our choices--and unfortunately you have two--Go and enjoy yourself--wear Lucy in a wrap or a Mei Tei if you're that concerned or don't go-stay home and be unhappy.
I know that sounds harsh, but this is a choice you have to make...
When someone makes a choice, it impacts more than just the decision-maker. This is true for any choice. My sister's choice to not vaccinate impacts the choices available to me. I don't care if we're talking vaccines or seat belts. I'm going to choose to protect my daughter from death. Perhaps I'm more open-minded than most, but I would have at least inquired and considered a family member's request. She did not do that.
DeleteI think you're over estimating the risk here to be honest. Like I said--I could see if someone were actively ill that you not go--but honestly-she is going to be exposed to more unvaccinated people at her delivery than at a family gathering is all. Like I said, you're choosing not to go and that is your choice. If you're that worried wrap her in a mei tei and don't let them hold her. You're talking family here not strangers. So, while I appreciate your choice, I also think it's a bit over blown to be honest. If we were having a December baby--baby would be out and about just like Isaac 3 days after birth--and yes, the worst could happen he/she could be exposed to the flu...but I can't live life worrying about all of the what ifs--and you're going to say "It's your job to protect" which yes it is, but at some point it goes beyond protecting and into paranoid.
DeleteCongratulations on your lovely family! I love how you celebrate all of them.
ReplyDeleteWhere I live, flu vaccinations tend to be targeted at the elderly and ill, immune suppressed, susceptible, etc. I have only ever had one, for travel reasons, and I have certainly never had the flu.
I am surprised your medical professionals consider it such an extreme risk for death, particularly for a healthy, well-cared for baby with attentive and very well (medically) educated parents. My understanding is that with a healthy child, and appropriate care, in a first world scenario, it is not a killer.
Having said that, maybe there are precautions you can take, and you can ask your sisters family to take, that will minimise the risk, and therefore not impact on your family event?
I hope you are able to find a resolution. All the best.
Thank you. Where I live, those under 6 months old are susceptible BECAUSE they can't get the flu vaccine and don't have immune systems built up to defend against the ravages of the flu. I've come to terms with the fact that we're not going to be able to visit my family at Christmas, but it still makes me sad.
DeleteYes, the flu and Tdap. I haven't decided whether we'll travel for Christmas, since it would also involve a transatlantic flight, and I can't possibly protect Strawberry from germs from random people at the airport or on the plane.
ReplyDeleteI think parents who have lost children are more sensitive to such "small" risks. It's preventable, this particular risk.
I've already had Tdap during this pregnancy (just a few weeks ago), and Jon will receive his booster within the next few weeks. As for the flu vaccine, we're just waiting for it to become available. A transatlantic flight would definitely not be for me with a newborn, even not in flu season! Maybe we'll both just have a quite Christmas this year staying at home. And I think you're right, the flu and flu vaccine is all about managed risk, and when the flu is SO preventable, why take that small risk?
DeleteI hadn't thought of this until now, but thank you so much for bringing it up! I am definitely a believer in vaccines and get so enraged when I find out that people put other people in danger because they refuse to do what is proven effective and helpful (although this generally speaking to the larger vaccine issue...). That said, I never really wanted to be "that mom" the forces other people to change their behavior because of my child, especially so soon into motherhood. But now that you've got me thinking, I will definitely be discussing this with my husband and surveying the family... yikes!
ReplyDeleteYou're right, there is the larger vaccine issue, which is not what I'm trying to discuss. I never thought of being "that mom", I'm just trying to be the best mom I can be to my kids. I guess I just hoped that by stating the facts and asking the question of my sister, she would CONSIDER getting the vaccine so that we could all meet as a family this year. Glad I could serve as a discussion point for you and hubby :)
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