More waiting

We had Jon's urology appointment yesterday morning. Everything is still settling in my brain, so I don't think this post is going to be very eloquent.

My brain is full

My emotions have calmed down, for now. It may have to do with the fact that I feel overwhelmed.

Scared

I can feel it, the fear, creeping in and taking up home within me.

Emotionally Heavy

Jon's been gone this week to Colorado for a business trip. I never look forward to weeks when he's gone, because it usually means that by Wednesday Gus is having major episodes of grumpiness. Thankfully, for me, that did not happen this week!

"I have a sister named Bella."

Several weeks ago, shortly after Family Week at preschool, Jon was outside with Gus over in a neighbor's yard.

Neighbor Kid (6 years old): "Do you like Bella's (a different neighbor kid) dogs?"

Jon: "No, not really."

Gus: "I have a sister named Bella."

Neighbor Kid: "A pretend sister?"

Jon: "No, not a pretend sister. His sister is real. Before Gus was born we had twins that were born too soon and they died. They're in Heaven."

Gus: "Bella is in Heaven."

I'm so grateful that Jon was present during this conversation. If I was there, I would have balled my eyes out, as I did when Jon shared this with me. I love that Gus is bringing up his brothers and sister in general conversation, I just wish it didn't hurt so much that they can't be here with him.

A little while after that conversation, on a Thursday, I met Jon and Gus at Gus' sports class. After class was done I went to our bereaved parent support group while Jon took Gus home for bedtime. While I was at group, Jon sent me the following text message:

"Gus and I went outside to see the dark. Gus sees the stars and says 'I want to play with them. Maybe they are Oscar, Bella and Tittle.'"

Again, I'm so grateful that Gus feels comfortable speaking of his siblings, but if I was the one with Gus, and not Jon, I would have started balling.

Getting back to blogging

I don't even know where to start blogging again. I'm glad that I participated in the Capture Your Grief project, but it didn't leave much time for me to write about what's been going outside of that.

Capture Your Grief Day 31: Sunset

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

To close this project and this month of Baby Loss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window.

31st Anniversary

That's right. Today is my anniversary. 31 years ago today my parents' lives were thrown for a loop. I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.

Capture Your Grief Day 28: Special Place

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

This could be your baby’s place of rest. If they do not have a grave, maybe you have a special place that you associate with your baby. A place you go to, to remember them. Where is it? Why did you choose that particular place?

Capture Your Grief Day 27: Signs

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?