Thursday, July 20, 2017

Death and Anniversaries

I have been thinking recently how long it has been since I've written here, and how when things are going well, I may not need to write here as often, which is a good thing for me-enjoying life and not over-processing it, but I knew I'd come here soon. I wanted to write about Firefly's day in June and write about Oscar's and Bella's birthday later this month. Perhaps I will write about them, but today, my heart has been shattered again.

My mom died unexpectedly. July 19th is the last day I saw, and ever will see, my Mom's body. We didn't talk on the phone a lot, so I don't know the last time I spoke with her, but I had an email from her in my inbox that I hadn't responded to yet. She asked about it earlier in the day, if I had answered. It was about me bringing the kids up for a visit next week.

By the time I got to the hospital, she was already gone. Had I gotten there earlier, she wouldn't have known I was there, as she was unconscious from around 12:40pm until her death between 4pm and 5:50pm while I was driving to the hospital (2.5 hour drive from my house to the hospital where she was), so I'm not too distraught about not being there when she died. I wish I could have answered the email though, so it didn't feel like I left her hanging. My sister said she was excited to see the kids next week, and now she's gone. She will never see Gus and Lucy grow up. She would never see Lucy in any dance clothes or recitals, something my mom would have absolutely adored. She will never be there for anything, ever again.

So much of what is happening now is reminiscent of when Oscar and Bella died. It is hard to balance my own grieving with being a support for others because I have been through unexpected and too soon deaths already. I am grateful that my grief with my kids can help navigate this time for my step-dad, but am so sad that my mom is gone, and that I have to navigate this at all.