I'm not really looking forward to Christmas this year, which isn't usual. Jon is looking forward to Christmas this year, which isn't usual. Does that mean we'll have an unusual Christmas?
Usually for Christmas we will travel to where my parents and two of my sisters live, spend a few days and then return home. While it is a little uncomfortable (not sleeping in our own bed, trying to keep kids on schedule), it was always a time that I could count on to see my family, and not just my immediate family, but my extended family, too. It gave Gus an opportunity to see his aunts, cousins and grandparents. And this year that's not happening. And not only that, but our move to Iowa is tied into it, too. Not only are we not going to get to see family, but we are in a new place, where we are still trying to make friends, so we don't even have familiar friends that we'll be able to spend time with this Christmas.
Jon, though, is really looking forward to waking up in his own bed on Christmas morning, and letting Gus have that experience, too. Part of me, just part, is looking forward to Christmas. One of the gifts we are giving Gus is tickets for he and Jon to go see the monster trucks. I hope that he's as excited as I envision it.
I know that the day will be filled with love and Gus' excitement over gift-opening, but this year, when we are starting new traditions, not seeing extended family, and still missing our four angels, makes me not look forward to a day that is supposed to be happy. I'm hoping this is simply a case of the anticipation of the day will be worse than the actual day. I'm hoping that I will truly laugh and smile because of the memories Jon, Lucy, Gus and I will create, but also find a few moments to acknowledge my sadness for changing traditions and missing Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly.