A couple weeks ago, Jon told me that he wanted me to find a new counselor as he thought I had postpartum depression and/or depression that was still unresolved from when Oscar and Bella died.
After much crying, going through a depression assessment, and looking up who was covered by insurance, I had a plan to make a call he next morning. I made the call, but couldn't get in to a counselor for one month. I have an appointment the first week of February.
Since that conversation, I've wondered how much of what I'm thinking/feeling is PPD vs the isolation of having moved to Iowa. Every time something "wonderful" happens with Gus or Lucy, I question if I'm feeling as happy as I should. I'm not nervous about seeing a counselor, hell, I saw one for 5 years and would be continuing to see her if we hadn't moved, but I'm more worried about getting back in to the emotional work that needs to happen for counseling to be successful. That's what I feel has been lost with our move. Not only do I not have a counselor anymore, but I don't have anyone here that I'm really friends with, so I'm very isolated. I went from a community of people that understood what I was going through to having no one other than Jon to discuss things with.
I'm just hoping that the counselor I'll be seeing is a good match for me, we can work on this PPD/depression/feelings of isolation or whatever it is, and I can feel like I'm a better wife, mother and person than I' currently feeling.