Tuesday, December 19, 2017

5 months

It has been 5 months since my mom died. I'm still here, but it's hard to write with so much going on emotionally, physically and mentally.

Jon began a new job, that he really loves, but is a 2.5hr drive away. He works from home 3 days and is in the office 2 days per week. It's extremely hard for me to think about picking up and moving again, which Jon, I think, would like to do. It would be easier on him, for the days he's in the office, but I would be starting over completely with the kids, again, in a city I know nothing about and know no one.

My step-dad has visited a lot more than before my mom died, which has been really nice for the kids. They are excited to see him during the visits, and Lucy has even begun giving him hugs when he leaves. I just wish this was all happening for a different reason than my mom died.

I started on anti-depressants in September. They still aren't all figured out, and I'm not sure if they ever will be. I started on one, which really helped my mood, but caused me to clench my teeth, have hot flashes, and completely woke me up at night every 2 hours. The next med still had the side effects, but were lessened, but didn't help my mood as much as the first one. Now, I'm on my third med, and while I'm able to sleep way better, I don't think it's helped my mood as much. The short-fuse/quick-temper that was basically eliminated on the first two meds came back immediately after transitioning off med #2.

I participated in the Jingle Bell Run in memory of my mom. Her birthday was December 26, so I wanted to do something for her during her birth month. The JBR supports the Arthritis Foundation, which my mom had, which required the surgery that she had that immediately preceded her death, so it felt like a really good fit. I was able to wear one of my mom's turtlenecks as one of my layering pieces, which was awesome to have there there. I walked the fasted I've ever walked, and completed a 5K in 45:16. I raised $200 for the Arthritis Foundation, but the best feeling was knowing that my mom would have been so proud of me for putting in all the time and effort to prepare to walk and then doing so well during the actual event.

My mom liked jewelry, and had quite a bit of the real stuff. Even though I'm one of four girls, a lot of the jewelry wasn't to our liking. We each took some pieces, but that left quite a bit with nowhere to go. There are only two living granddaughters (my 17yo niece and Lucy). So, I ended up taking home quite a few things to give to Lucy throughout her life. One thing that I did, from Jon's suggestion, was to use the diamonds from one of my mom's necklace have have them set in my medical ID bracelet. My mom graduated nursing school a couple of months before I was diagnosed with diabetes. With how diabetes was managed then, my mom had to choose a nursing career or being with me to make sure I received my injections on time and ate when I was supposed to. She chose me. She forfeited her nursing career to take care of me. Now, in a way, she still is.

I started physical therapy for my diastasis recti, stress incontinence and painful intercourse in September. While everything is not at a 100% improvement, I have seen much improvement. Jon has been really helpful and supportive with my PT, and I'm so grateful he is by my side as we navigate all this together.

Lucy started preschool and she LOVES it. She only goes 4 hours twice a week, but if it were up to her, I think she'd go full-time. And it's because of her being in preschool that I've been able to go to my PT and psychiatrist appointments and work on improving myself.

My step-dad is pursuing a lawsuit for his loss and my mom's pain and suffering. Part of me feels "relieved" that he's doing this, because my mom told him prior to her surgery that if anything happened he should sue. So, he really is carrying out my mom's wishes. But, even if there is a case and my step-dad wins the case, she's still gone.

Christmas is almost here and I haven't finished our Christmas letter yet. Part of the reason why is that Jon's been gone! He attended a training out of state, and with travel dates he'll be gone for 8 days. He comes home tomorrow. I'm almost done with the letter (I need to go through and make sure the pictures all look okay. Then I need to print, stuff, stamp and mail them out. It's doable, but just so much harder when I don't have Jon here to help take care of the kids so I can work on the letter.

I just started wrapping Christmas presents today. I placed my picture order (we give extended family prints of pictures from our professional photo shoot as gifts) last night, so I hope they arrive before Christmas Day, which is when we see the first member of the extended family. I also realized last night that neither Jon nor I took Gus to get Lucy's present. He already told me what he wanted to get her, and I'm so, so grateful that I have the item on hold for pick-up tomorrow. I looked on T.arget's website, and it was not available for store pick-up, so I had to actually call the stores to see if any of them had it in stock. What is this high-demand product that Gus wants to give Lucy? A huge roll of bubble wrap :)

A lot can happen in five months, and I'm sure I missed something, but that's what's been happening with me. To those who are reading, even though it's been such a long time since my last post: Thank you.

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