Last Monday I had a scheduled phone call with the maternity program offered through my insurance company. The only reason I even signed up for hte program was because if I go all the way through, I get $50. I usually find the phone calls not helpful at all, but there are not that many, and they're not that long, so I figure it's worth my time. Right now, I'm wishing I never signed up for the program, but grateful I did all at the same time.
Doing all the prep work last weekend getting ready for Lucy, apparently, swirled up a lot of my emotions, and the realization point came while I was on the phone with the nurse from the maternity program. I was crying on the phone with her and telling her how overwhelmed I was feeling with fears that Lucy was going to die before she was born.
So, she recommended that we keep that phone call short so I could begin investigating finding a new grief counselor, and we scheduled another call for tomorrow. I'm grateful that I had someone to talk to, which make my emotions come to light, but I'm not glad that it was with her. On Monday, I did feel like I needed to find a new counselor, but after sharing my fears with Jon, sharing with friends via facebook and letting my emotions come to my conscious, I'm feeling a lot better. I haven't called any counselors, I haven't made any appointments, there are still some things that I've asked Jon to do without me for my mental sanity, but I'm not feeling as overwhelmed as I did on Monday.
So, what do I say during my phone call tomorrow? Sorry for unloading on you last week and making you all worried about my mental health, but it was just bad timing and I'm feeling better? Yes, I still have fears that Lucy will die before she's born. Yes, I need Jon to discuss the final details for Gus' care with our neighbors, who will be watching him, because I got too overwhelmed thinking about setting these plans with the neighbors, having everyone all excited, and then having to come home to explain that Lucy died. But, this weekend I was able to buy wipes, an infant bouncer and an infant activity gym and I did fine with that.
Being pregnant is hard. Being pregnant after a loss is hard. I never expected being pregnant after having a rainbow would be a different kind of hard.