Monday, September 15, 2014

I needed a break

I needed a break from thinking and trying to process my emotions, thus my lack of posting.

Today we are 35w5d pregnant with Lucy. If all goes well, she will arrive in 2-3 weeks and I'm freaking out, inside, with everything that entails.

Just yesterday, Jon and I worked on getting more stuff set for her arrival, but I can't help but hear the thought in the back of my head, "She's not coming home." We've had 1st trimester and 2nd trimester losses, losing Lucy would complete the triad with a 3rd trimester loss. We continue to ready her room, put clothes in her drawers, Jon wanted to buy a new girly crib sheet, we got new pacifiers, we've purchased wipes and some diapers, are set to install the infant car seat...but what if it's all just tempting fate and we're really not going to bring her home?

Jon said he's less fearful now about delivery, that she's close enough to full-term that her birth now is not as dangerous or scary. I'm getting more scared with every passing day that we're going to experience a stillbirth. Jon was gone for an overnight work trip last week. The day he left Lucy had a lazy day, she passed her fetal kick count, but she wasn't as active. The next day I had my NST, I was so worried that there would be no heartbeat. There was, and she moved like crazy during the NST. Why couldn't she have moved like that when I was at home worrying?

I'm not sleeping well, mostly because of the physical aspects of being pregnant, but when I do wake up to roll over, it is very hard for me to fall back asleep because I keep waiting for a kick from Lucy to let me know she's still alive. I lie awake waiting for that kick until she does, or I become so tired that I fall back asleep. This makes me exhausted the next day, which means I'm not as present, or pleasant, with Gus. I feel terrible that he's not getting a good mom right now, which is going to lead directly to a mom that can't pay as much attention to him because Lucy will be here taking the majority of the attention. (See how I write out that Lucy will be here in hopes that by stating she'll come home I can counteract the fears I have of her dying?)

And how is Gus going to respond to having a new baby in the house? Not by any direction from Jon or me, he's been watching some videos of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, when his little sister comes home. He seems to respond well when we ask him if he's going to be our helper, and he gets a little excited about that, but none of us really know what it's going to be like to have another living child, our emotional state after she's born, how Gus is going to react to the lessening of attention and not having us available, usually, whenever he wants. I know I'm not the first person to have these fears, and they will work themselves out, but that doesn't mean I don't have them and they don't weigh on me. I am a worrier, after all. I just need to keep reminding myself that it will all work out. It will all work out.

As far as monitoring for the rest of the pregnancy, which I hope will help ease my fears of her death, I have my last growth scan on Wednesday, then start my twice weekly NST's on Friday, with my last 17P shot this Friday, as well. Jon thinks that once the shots are done my body will quickly go into labor. I hope that we make it to October (38w on 10/1) and it will be after the field trip to the apple orchard that I volunteered to chaperone for Gus' class on 9/25. This will likely be the only field trip I'll be able to go on for Gus, so I really hope that I'm able to go without too much difficulty so that he can have one last, good experience with me before Lucy arrives.

8 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much anxiety. Continued prayers! I hope the time goes by quickly so you can celebrate her safe arrival!

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  2. Three years ago I was exactly in the same mind set you were--there was no way were were bringing this child home! My real freak out occured the morning OF his birth. Unfortunately all of the "think positively" advice we can give is for not.

    I can't wait to see pictures of your beautiful daughter, and hope that Gus is the big helper he envisions himself to be.

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    1. Thank you. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time...and if I get nervous I push my abdomen so that she kicks me back.

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  3. Prayers for a safe, healthy remainder of your pregnancy!

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  4. I find the last weeks to be the hardest too. I know so many people feel better in the final weeks, more sure of the outcome, but I never felt that way, so I understand your trepidation and fear.

    Abiding with you in these final weeks. I hope they pass quickly and your rainbow baby arrives safe and sound.

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    1. Thank you. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my fears.

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