Saturday, July 18, 2015

Approaching Oscar's and Bella's Birthday

Last week a friend announced a pregnancy, and I was crushed.

I thought they were done. They had a rummage sale last spring to sell all their kid stuff, so I thought they were done having kids. I guess they weren't. Jon said that maybe this was an unplanned pregnancy. I guess that's possible. Later in the day I found out their due date: January 1. That was Oscar's and Bella's due date. It was a bad day.

Oscar's and Bella's 6th birthday is at the end of the month. I know it will be hard, but maybe I'm trying to delay the sadness for as long as I can? I don't know. I know that we'll do our food donation again, and balloon release, but I'm just not feeling any sort of strong pull to do any certain particular thing. I haven't talked to Jon yet about what he wants for the day, so hopefully that will help me stop my fight against my emotions and connect with what I want their day to be.

Lucy's 9m appointment will be on July 29, the day before their birthday. The fair starts next week and runs through July 27, so Jon and I need to decide what events we want to try to attend. Gus is entered in the Little Mister contest for the fair. I need to start working on Gus' Halloween costume; he wants to be a dragon and I'm going to attempt to sew his costume. This is all regular-life stuff, but it seems like they are just obstacles to my emotions about my eldest kids' birthday. Maybe that's what I need right now. Maybe I need a break from the emotions as I approach their birthday, but it feels like I'm ignoring them. It feels like I'm telling them that their birthday is not as important as life events that we're having here on Earth.

I know this is nothing new, that this is a normal life experience for a bereaved parent, but I wish it didn't feel as bad just because it's their birth month. I wish I could be a little more put-together that I could take the time to focus on them and their birthday. Who am I kidding? I just wish they were here. I wish I could take them shopping for their birthday, asking them their input into what they wanted their party to be and who they wanted to invite. I wish I could be talking to them about the school shopping we'd do after their birthday celebration was over, what they were looking forward to in 1st grade, what they were nervous about. I wish I was with them as they picked out their new backpacks, lunch boxes and school supplies. I wish I knew what their favorite colors were, their favorite subjects in school, what books they like to read and what their favorite foods were. I wish I knew what their laughs sounded like, and what things they'd think were funny. I just miss them, and love them and always will.