Wednesday, June 10, 2015

If Firefly Had Lived

I've never really had the bittersweet and conflicting thoughts of knowing that if Oscar and Bella had lived that Tittle and Gus would never have been conceived and Gus wouldn't be here. That wasn't my reality. My reality is that Oscar, Bella and Tittle DID die. My reality is that Gus did live. Within the last couple of weeks, those thoughts have surfaced regarding Firefly. I wasn't prepared for them.

Firefly's functional due date was February 6, 2014. Jon's interview for his current job was February 11-12, 2014. If Firefly had lived, Jon never would have interviewed with this company. I know, for certain, that Jon would not have scheduled an out-of-state interview the week after bringing a child home. So, if Firefly had lived, Jon would not have interviewed, would not have accepted the job offer, and we would not have moved to a different state and away from all we knew.

If Firefly had lived, we would have stayed in Wisconsin. We would have stayed in the house with the too small yard. I would have stayed working full-time. Jon would, likely, have stayed with his current job with all the travel that we both hated. Gus would have stayed at his preschool until this coming fall. Firefly would have started daycare when she was 12 weeks old. We would, likely, be strapped for cash, stressing out about finances, and trying to make it all work with two living children.

Instead, Firefly died. We did not have a baby due in early February 2014. Jon was able to interview, we sold our house, moved to Iowa, I became a stay-at-home mom, Jon has a job that has much less travel, we aren't strapped for cash, we have a house with a large yard that is half a block from the pool. But we did have a baby in February 2014. We were newly pregnant with Lucy. Lucy was with us for the trip for Jon's interview. Lucy was with us when we sold our house, moved and I became a SAHM. Lucy was with us when playing with Gus in the big backyard and going to the pool last summer, and Lucy was with us for Gus' first day at his elementary school.

Today is two milestones in our family. Today Lucy is 8 months old. Today is 2 years since we had confirmation that Firefly died. I don't usually think of what life would be like if my dead children had lived, but today I can't really help it. If Firefly had lived, my life wouldn't had changed that much. I would have two kids at home, still be working full-time, in the same house, in the same city. Because Firefly died, my life changed drastically, I think, for the better. While I would never wish any of my children had died, I think Firefly has a strong part in sending us to Iowa, where I get to be a SAHM, where we get to live in a nice town (though very small) and not worry about many of the bigger city problems. Where I actually get the time with my family that I wouldn't have had otherwise.


  1. Here from Mel's Creme post. Reading all of this through tears.

    I often reflect on my own losses and think about what would have been if those children had lived. For me it's not as clear-cut, as there were a lot of things happening, but I do know that life would have been different. The road I'm on now may not have happened. And I certainly would not have had the Beats.

    Part of the healing process requires us to reflect and wonder. To see that things are okay and to not be guilty about the good we have in our lives following tragedy. I'm glad you're able to do this.

    1. Thank you so much. It's a weird feeling to be grateful for your life, still miss the kids that aren't here and NOT feel guilty about that. It's taken a long time to get there.

  2. I understand this post. Of course you would never wish any of your children had died. None of us would. But it's called "making the most of what you have." And to me, that honours the loss of those little ones who didn't make it.

    1. I guess that's one phrase that can describe it, it's just a lot harder to do than the phrase implies :)