Not doing too well

 So, back in April I started a new med, Abilify. I think it's another med that I won't be able to take due to negative side effects.

I started taking it at night, and it takes me forever to fall asleep, and I wake up a lot, fuzzy brain during the day. The tricky thing is that about 2 weeks after I started Abilify, Jon lost his job, so was my insomnia caused by the med or the stress of Jon's job? After a med check last Wednesday, I was told to start taking it in the morning, to see if that made a difference.

I messaged on Monday evening, and the new plan is that I'm back to half a pill, instead of a full pill, and continue to take it in the morning until my next med check in mid-July, which will be two days before I can see my counselor. I will be so glad when I can see him regularly, instead of hoping and waiting there will be a cancellation that opens up and I can take.

I also found out today that the man who murdered my uncle and his fiancé has died. He filed three appeals after the initial conviction; one is still open as it was just filed about a month ago. I'm upset. Part of me is glad he's dead, but I wish he would have lived long enough to have the third appeal denied, then spend some time in jail, then died. I know this doesn't make me an awesome person, and vindictive, but he took two lives! He deserves to suffer little bit for that, right?

So, being tired all the time, not sleeping well, and then getting this news...I'm a little bit of a mess tonight.

Firefly's 9th

 Yesterday was 9 years since it was confirmed we would not be bringing home another baby.  We watched a family movie after dinner (Upside Down Magic), Lucy wrote a note that she burned in the fire, an then we roasted marshmallows and had s'mores. It wasn't s huge thing, but it was what we could do this year.

Sparklers, like we've done in years past, just didn't feel right to me this year, so that's why we did the fire and s'mores. I loved that Lucy wrote her own note to Firefly, but it makes me sad that this is Lucy's reality. That she has a mom who misses other children. That she has siblings she will never get to know.

Firefly, I hope you felt our love yesterday, and every day. I hope you are happy with how we honored you yesterday. I love you. Mom.

Transitions are hard

 Jon got a job offer on Friday. Yay! That's a really good thing. He hasn't accepted it yet, as he's hoping to get a second offer this coming week, and he would choose between them. But, it's a significant pay cut to where we are now.

I KNOW that he's stepping down the corporate ladder so there will be a reduced salary, but it's still a transition, so I'm having a hard time with it right now. I know we'll adjust, as he's had this salary before and we did just fine, but the whole transition of it, and scaling back, and having a huge budget discussion tomorrow is making me nervous.

I've also been looking at getting a part-time job. I applied to one remote position tonight (I'm not likely to get it as there are at least 50 other applicants for this 10 hour/week job). And I'm entertaining getting my substitute teaching license, so I can still have some flexibility but bring some money into the house so we don't have to cut as much from the budget.

Things on the chopping block include lawn service, pest control, gym membership, Lucy's gymnastics, Lucy's swim and Gus' indoor skydiving. I don't care so much about the lawn service or pest control. I'm really trying to focus more on exercise, so I don't want to have to give up the gym, but we do have weights in the basement. And I REALLY don't want to give up the kids' activities.

I hope the conversation tomorrow goes well, we're able to figure out a budget, and the transition goes as smoothly as possible.

Well, that sucks

 Jon was laid off on Friday. Not due to anything he did or didn't do. His company was bleeding money, and his department got put on the chopping block. So, Friday before Mother's Day was not the best day. And it was a day I was supposed to be volunteering for the PTA at the staff appreciation luncheon. So, I got through that, shed some tears, and now we're here.

Jon reached out to his connections, and by the end of today, had submitted applications for six different positions. He will likely take a pay cut, but with that will be a reduction in stress, which will be a good thing. That doesn't mean I'm not nervous or scared, because who wants to lose money, but we've been okay on less than what he was making, so we'll be okay on his new salary, whatever it will be. It will just takes some adjustments to our mindsets. We'll have to stop and think again before spending any money, and it can't be an automatic.

The thought of not being able to have the kids do their extra-curriculars is super hard right now. The only thing Gus is really interested in is indoor skydiving, which isn't cheap. A 15-minute lesson is about $270 Which we were able to afford monthly before. Now, who knows? I've given some thought to getting a part-time job, but then the worries and obstacles rear up, and I get scared and nervous.

I've looked into what it would take to get my substitute teaching license, and while the process isn't hard, would I cut it? Would it even be worth to have if I suck as a sub? There are other jobs with school districts that I might enjoy, but because I'm on the school board, I can't get a job in my own district, which means schedules might not line up with days off. What am I going to do with Lucy if I have to work and there's no school?

There's also the loss of flexibility that I would really miss. Right now I get to set my own schedule for everything. If I get a part-time job (outside of a school district), will they give me summers and breaks off? Will they let me work one 8-hour shift a week? And even if they do, how do I get back into the job market when my depression is where it is right now? And with summer coming up?

Jon says I'm overthinking. That we need to wait and see what his income will be. He hasn't even had a job interview yet, so I'm worrying right now for nothing. And, we would make whatever job I have work. Even if I brought in a couple hundred dollars a month, that would help with funding the indoor skydiving. So, that gave me some perspective that I don't need to find a super full-time job. I'd basically need to sub 2 times per month, or work one 8-hour shift twice a month at a non-school job to bring in (before taxes) around $250.

I have a friend who recently re-entered the workforce by subbing, so I reached out to her so we could chat about the process and how it's going. So, we'll see.

It's been quite a while

 I cannot believe that it's been over 4 years since I've last written here. I'm sure any followers that I had are long gone, but I find myself needing to come back to this space. Our family moved, again, in July 2018, and are now Illinois residents. I'm still a SAHM, but I'm just finishing my first year as a member of the local board of education. Gus is now 11 and in 6th grade, while Lucy is now 7 and in 1st grade.

For now, let's just say that I did find antidepressants that I didn't negatively react to, but it turns out they weren't the best meds for me to be on, and the counselor I was seeing wasn't the right fit. So, I've been off of counseling and antidepressants since just before Christmas, and I started with a new psychiatrist and counselor in April. The psych started me on a different med (haven't been on it long enough to know if it's making a difference or if I'll react to is), and I've had two sessions with my new counselor. I didn't realize until a couple weeks ago just how much trauma I've been through in my life. Not just the losses of my kids, but other things, too. So, I've begun, slowly, to unravel the trauma...which I haven't actually done before. So, maybe I'll be writing here more often, and maybe I won't. But, tackling trauma is where I'm going.