Thursday, February 28, 2013

The rollercoaster continues, with a ball of nerves

Jon and I had a very full day on Saturday and were away from the house from 10am to 7pm.

During that time, we took Gus to swim class (and had a blast), ate lunch at McD's (where Jon successfully resisted temptation), spent 2 hours at the cell store picking out new phones and upgrading plans (we can now text and I now have a smartphone that is driving me crazy because I'm still trying to figure out how everything works).

We then headed to Jon's brother's house for our niece's birthday party. While Gus was shy when we arrived (we had to wake him up from his nap upon arrival), he eventually warmed up and had a GREAT time. Gus and his cousin were sitting at a kid-sized table; Gus asked me to sit by him, so I ended up sitting on the floor at the table with a 6-year-old and a 2.5-year-old. Apparently this had a lot of meaning to Jon.

On the one-hour drive back to our house, I was sleepy. I tried to keep my eyes open, but they closed for a moment. It was during this rest that Jon's hand gently grasped my forearm. He told me that he was ready. His want of another child was greater than his fears. I suddenly became breathless. Was I really hearing this? Apparently seeing Gus with his cousin and seeing me with both of them gave him a picture of what it would be like if we had another child. Granted, Gus would be the older, we wouldn't be guaranteed a girl, but the age difference between Gus and his cousin is pretty close to the age differences between Gus and his little brother or sister.

Jon's statement was still sinking in. I was still slightly breathless. I realized that I wasn't allowing myself to believe that he was ready because I didn't want to get my hopes up again, but he's ready. He said he was ready, he wasn't going to change my mind and I should go off the pill in March. It was then that I could exhale, get my hopes up and breathe. And this is where my ball of nerves has begun.

We've met with the MFM and RE and have plans set up. We are working on getting my diabetes in better control. We have looked at our finances to make sure we can afford another child. Yet I'm nervous. We were able to get pregnant so easily (3 cycles with the RE resulted in 2 pregnancies). What if that's not the case this time? We're going to be more conservative, but what if that means we don't get pregnant? It's not as if insurance covers any infertility treatments, so we can't just keep trying; eventually we will run out of money. What if we get pregnant and something terrible goes wrong again? I know that in the long-term we will be fine, but what about immediately after (I know this is one of Jon's biggest fears)? Will we have learned from Oscar's and Bella's death's and not retreat into ourselves again? What if I need to be on bedrest at some point and Jon has to travel a lot for work? Will I be able to find help when I need it to take care of Gus?

I know these are all a lot of what-ifs that may never happen, but now that trying again is going to happen, they feel far too close for my comfort. I know that with anything else, I need to take things one day at a time. It won't be until mid-to-late March that I stop taking my BCP, so I have time to think these things through, talk with Jon and get as prepared as we can be to start trying for our second rainbow.


  1. My husband's fear over The Worst happening again were a big stumbling block for us on the road to ttc again. It was hard for me to be patient and harder for us to communicate, which it sounds like you guys are doing beautifully.
    One day at a time is so important, but easier said than done when all those 'what ifs' are swirling in your head, right? Wishing you all the best for this exciting new stage.

    1. It took us a while to get to this point, on the communication front. We realized that after Oscar and Bella died, we retreated into ourselves, instead of to each other. After Tittle died, Jon was focused on bringing Gus home, so he never really grieved Tittle, while I did. I've also been continuing to see my counselor all this time (and will continue for the foreseeable future), so I've been able to address fears, accept them and work on trying to manage them, while Jon has not been as open to doing that. With his weight loss efforts, he's begun looking at himself from a total health perspective (physical, mental, emotional), which helps us with the communication, too.