Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Tittle's Day

Tittle’s day was difficult. Jon dropped Gus off at day care that morning, so I had a few minutes before I headed to my appointment with my counselor, Julianne. I purposefully scheduled my appointment for Tittle’s day, because I knew I’d need it. Just before I left the house I became inspired and posted on facebook a challenge to others do something sneaky and to let me know what the sneaky act was. I made a promise to myself that I would check on the responses until the end of the day, in hopes that people would sneak around and would give me some positivity at the end of a hard day. At my appointment, Julianne and I talked about things, I cried and I left feeling like I always do; my brain needed to process what we had talked about so that I could continue being okay with my new self since Oscar, Bella and Tittle died, how that affects my parenting of Gus and our journey towards a second rainbow.

After I left Julianne’s office, I headed to the store to pick up some candy (to sneak into the movie theater) before I watched Les Miz. When I entered the theater, just a few minutes before the movie was to start, I was the only one there. I was thrilled! I knew that I’d be able to better let my emotions out if I was the only one there. Alas, four more people arrived to watch the movie with me. The lights dimmed, I snuck out my candy and watched the movie. While there were parts that I would have cried harder at if I was alone, I realized later that it was a very Tittleish movie and was the right choice to see on his day. Not having ever read the book or seen the musical, it didn’t really make sense to me why there was a focus on the relationships amongst the characters, and then there would be a sudden shift to the political activities of the time in France. I realized that this Paris Uprising of 1832 was like Tittle—sneaking in and out without warning :)

I then went home to start getting the house ready for our Snow Angel Open House the next day. Jon left work early to come help me. It really helped me to hear Jon say that he realized too lat that he should have taken the whole day off because I would need him (emotionally). We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening getting ready for the open house the next afternoon. Yet, at the end of the night when I caught up on facebook, there were some that had shared their sneaky moments with me. It was great! Even better was when the executive director of Gus' daycare shared with me, via phone about a week later, what she had done to honor Tittle. It felt so wonderful to know that others were having fun and being sneaky because of my sneaky one.

The next day, while only a small portion of those we invited to the open house attended, our house was full of love and support. And, since we didn’t have enough snow to make snow angels, I am so glad that my back-up plan was a success (Instructions will be a separate post). Once we figured out the instructions (from a few different websites), it only takes a few minutes to make each angel. I now have a list of angels to make and I’m going to mail them out to families from group.

Three years after we found out that Tittle's heart was no longer beating, it's still difficult. I miss him. I miss knowing what he would have looked like and what his personality would have been. I miss that he doesn't have a "real" name like our other angels. (Side note:  Between 7w and 9w gestation, Jon and I already had 2 boy names and one girl name finalized. I truly believe that Tittle was a boy, who would have been named Owen Eli, but he's been Tittle for so long, that I don't feel right calling him by anything else. But I am sad that we have no middle name for Tittle, so I've officially made his middle name Sneaky). I know that Oscar and Bella wanted a little brother in Heaven with them while we had one down here for us, but that only eases the pain a little.

My sneaky little one, I love you so. I wish I could hold you like I hold your twin brother and learn what you like and dislike, what makes you laugh and cry and have memories of you instead of making memories in your honor.

Our Oscar, Bella and Tittle angel ornaments

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