Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Feeling all over the place

7w6d, almost 8w, and feeling scared, terrified and guilty.

I'm scared every day that Bean has died. I'm terrified that we will move to Iowa, go in for our first visit with the new doctor, at which Gus will be present, and Bean will be dead. I'm feeling guilty that I'm not bonding to Bean like I did with the other kids.

I know that I have a lot on my plate. I know that I have a lot of things that need to get figured out before we move in about 3 weeks. I know that I have no control over Bean's life at this point, but that doesn't make the guilt go away. I'm really, really hoping that once we move and I don't need to worry about selling a house, buying a house, establishing care, moving, finishing work, figuring out insurance, that I'll be able to give myself time to bond with Bean. I just hope that by the time that happens Bean hasn't died.

Tonight I will go to my last infertility support group. Group runs from 5:30pm -7pm, so I've been asked to come for 7:05pm. In past, this would be a 2-month process at which tonight's meeting the group would be asked if it was okay for me to attend the April meeting to say good-bye, but since I won't BE HERE in April, a quick solution needed to be found. I do want to say good-bye to some of the people I've met through group, especially since I will likely never see them again. I just hope that I don't make the drive just to have nobody want to say good-bye to me.

I'm really trying to stay positive in all of this. Trying to look at moving away from the high risk clinic and bereaved parent support group is a good sign because I won't need them. But, we all know that this type of thinking is just a coping mechanism to deal with anxiety and stress.

I had a diabetes appointment this morning, and my HbA1C came back at 6.3%. Yea!!! Now, that doesn't ease my fears about the recent highs I've been having, but I'm glad that my overall control isn't going to crap. At the end of my appointment my diabetes nurse educator wasn't comfortable with this being my last appointment with nothing until April. So, I have an appointment with an MFM Fellow on March 14 and another diabetes appointment on March 17. At the 3/14 appointment, I'm really going to push for an u/s or something, because that will be only 2 days after when we lost Tittle, so I anticipate that I'm going to be freaking out.

After I left the appointment this morning I called the clinic in IA to get registered and set up my first appointment with them. I have a nurse visit and doc visit scheduled for April 4. I'm not sure if we'll do the first trimester screen that day. I hope so. I asked the receptionist about that, and she said she'd have to check with the nurse/doc, and I haven't heard back from her yet, so I'll call tomorrow if I don't hear back from her. I'm NOT going to be okay if we can't do the first trimester screen because the clinic drops the ball, so I'm definitely going to push to do that. It's really not even the screening that I care about, it's the u/s that I need. I need to see that Bean is living. After the first trimester screen, our next u/s would be at 16w for a cervical length check, but that's according to the care plan that I had set up with the WI perinatal clinic.Will IA follow that? Will they be able to provide the medical and emotional care that I need? I hope so. I really hope so.

Ugh. My brain just gets going, and then I get all worked up about the care that I'll get after the move, and then it all just collapses because at any moment Bean could die and it will all be pointless because I won't need pregnancy care if I'm not pregnant. And there we come back to being terrified.

It's a good thing, I think, that I have an appointment with my counselor on Friday.

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