Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tonight at 7pm, Jon and I will light candles in memory of Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly. Today Lucy wore tights for the first time.
I suppose it's somehow fitting that on this day that many across the world will be lighting candles for their babies gone too soon, that I experience a milestone that I've been unable to have until now, but didn't even know I was missing.
When Oscar and Bella died, we were, obviously, devastated. When we found out that Gus was a boy, we were so happy that we had a healthy son, especially after losing Tittle, but it made me miss Bella. I'd get to experience with Gus all the stuff I might have done with Oscar, but all those girl* things would be left to my imagination. Then we found out Lucy was a girl, and I had dreams again of being able to experience the things with Lucy that I could have done with Bella (and Firefly).
Since her arrival, I've just been coasting, enjoying having two living children: one boy and one girl; how it was supposed to be if Oscar and Bella had lived. But today, as I was nursing Lucy before her morning nap, looking down at this beautiful little girl wearing a dress and white tights, I was overcome with emotion as I realized I was experiencing something that I've been waiting 6 years for.
I miss my Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly. I love them so much. I wish they were all here. But I am so grateful that I have my Gus and Lucy. That I DO get to experience looking down and seeing a living girl that's mine.
*I realized while typing this how offensive this statement could be to those who strive for gender neutrality. I apologize.