My heart is in a strange place

Tomorrow marks three years since we found out that Tittle died.

29 months

Dear Gus,

Today you are 29 months old. Sometimes I just can’t believe that you’re ours and that you’ve been with us for over two years already. As many times and Daddy and I tell you that you’re a big boy, you are still, and perhaps will always be, my little boy. I love in the morning when we’re trying to get us all ready to leave the house, but you have to stop routine because you want to cuddle with me. I love how this morning, after you took a piece of my cereal without asking, Daddy corrected you, and then you said, in the sweetest way, “Can you share with me, please?” I love how you are a sponge and soaking up all sorts of information (new concepts and words) and how adorable it is when it only makes partial sense when you repeat the information back to us. I love how yesterday, when I went to check on you in the morning, because I heard you crying, you told me to go away and when I came back in 10 minutes to start getting you ready for the day you were singing to yourself and happy. I love how much of a helper you are. As much as it breaks my heart that you know the words (strip, test stuff, pump, low blood sugar) I love that you want to help me “get one strip” and help put it in my meter.

I am so lucky to be your mom. I know I’m not the best mom all the time, but I try every day to be the best mom I can be for you. Happy 29 months, Gus. I love you much.

Love,

Mommy

A Hard Day

Isn’t it enough that I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at the age of two and have been living with it for 30 years?

Obstacles to TTC

A lot of things have been going on lately in life, and they feel like obstacles to all of my goals, hopes and wants. In November, we had a preconception appointment with the high-risk clinic. Jon and I knew we weren’t ready to start trying, but knew that we could take care of this appointment so that when we are ready we’d already have a plan in place (more on this topic in a future post).

Januarys

This January 1 was a lot easier than those in the past. I know some of it is because we have Gus at home, who makes us laugh every single day. I also think it has to do with Oscar’s and Bella’s due date losing significance. We have celebrated their birthday in July and due date in January every year. When Tittle got added to the mix, I think that’s when things began to change. Oscar and Bella have a birthday, a day that’s just their own, that we celebrate. Gus has a birthday, a day that’s just his own, that we celebrate. Tittle doesn’t have a birthday. Tittle doesn’t have a day that’s just his own. Three years ago today Jon and I were in the fertility clinic, getting a “head count” ultrasound and found out we were carrying twins. In two weeks, it will be three years since we found out that Tittle died. Tittle doesn’t have a birth date, since he was never born. It doesn’t feel right to honor him on his due date, because he would have been born with Gus and we celebrate Gus on his birthday. So, all we have is Tittle Time, January 11-January 25. I don’t want to say that his life was only January 11-January 25. Both Gus and Tittle were conceived on December 5; we weren’t aware we were carrying twins until January 11, so that wasn’t the beginning of Tittle’s life.

This year, like previous years, we’ve invited friends over to our house to make snow angels, and that will happen towards the end of the month. We indicated that it was in honor of Oscar’s and Bella’s due date AND Tittle. I think, maybe, next year it will just be snow angels in honor of Tittle Time. Jon and I say that Tittle is sneaky, and maybe he doesn’t want to be the center of attention, but it just feels wrong that Tittle doesn’t get his own celebration. We include him any chance we can, but he doesn’t have anything of his very own. I think that’s one reason why I want him to have his own special celebration; we don’t have anything that’s just his. We have no u/s pictures of him. We have no heartbeat sounds of him. He has no birth date. He has a death date, but our pregnancy continued. We have no idea what he looked like, so it’s just very strange situation.

I just hope he knows how much I love him, even though it’s taking me a long time to figure out how he wants to be honored.

Stockings and a Bittersweet/Wonderful Moment

In our house we celebrate St. Nick. I grew up with this tradition of hanging up a stocking by the fireplace before going to bed on December 5, and then waking up on December 6 to find my stocking stuffed with goodies. My sisters always got fun stuff like candy canes, popcorn balls and chocolates. My mom did her best in finding me things that I would enjoy that weren't candy related--holiday pencils with fun erasers, animal crackers and holiday lip balm are just a few of the things I remember receiving over the years.

I need more time

There are so many things that I want to write about and I've not made the time to do it. Here is a list of posts that are forming in my head that I hope to post soon.

• Christmas Stockings
• Diabetes and Colds Suck
• Preconception Appointment/Preparing to try again
• Tittle's Month/Oscar's and Bella's Due Date/Snow Angels

I guess it's not completely fair to say that I need more time. What I really need to do is make time FOR ME. Having a cold turn into a sinus infection makes me tired, not sleep well, cranky and wanting to melt into the couch any chance I can get. Hopefully, not that I'm on antibiotics, I will begin to feel better soon and able to focus on my mental health more, instead of just my physical health.