Monday, January 14, 2013

A Hard Day

Isn’t it enough that I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at the age of two and have been living with it for 30 years?

Isn’t it enough that I grew up worried that no one would ever want to marry me because I might not be able to have kids because of my diabetes?

Isn’t it enough that I did find someone, who loved me with my flaws, we got my diabetes under control, but then we had to face infertility?

Isn’t it enough that after battling infertility and getting pregnancy, our children died?

Isn’t it enough that after having two children die and going through more fertility treatments we were faced with the possibility of twins again, only to have our third child die?

Isn’t it enough that after losing Tittle, we had pre-term labor where I was on hospital bed rest for 10 days and at-home bedrest for 4 weeks?

Haven’t we been through enough? Obviously not. My husband is fat. By BMI definition morbidly obese, he has a food addiction and is now serious about getting a healthy relationship with food and to drop the weight he’s been carrying around for most of his life. He’s found a PCP that he likes, who has made a referral for a medically managed weight loss program. He contacted the clinic to get an appointment. They verified benefits. We must pay everything. Insurance will not pay for any weight loss programs. Granted, for 6 months in the program it will only cost about $5000, but that $5000 was supposed to go towards fertility treatments this year.

Now, that’s all on hold. I understand that Jon wants to be healthy before having more kids. I understand that insurance companies are stupid for not paying a drop in the bucket compared to what they could pay if Jon doesn’t get his weight under control now. I understand that we have the money and can pay for this program.

What I do not understand is why it feels like we have to fight for everything we want. I have to fight every day to keep my blood sugars in order. We had to fight to get pregnant. We have to fight to get people to recognize that we have more than one child. We had to fight to stay pregnant with Gus. We were getting ready to fight again for another child. Now, instead of fighting that fight, we’re being forced to fight a different fight. One that Jon should have fought long ago, but is only now ready to do. I hate that the fight I want to have (getting pregnant) needs to be put on hold for this fight. I hate that another fight has been presented to us. I just want the fighting to stop.

Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled that Jon is ready to take his health seriously and redefine his relationship with food. I am grateful that we have the finances to pay for the help Jon needs, even though I think it’s idiotic that insurance won’t cover it. I’m looking forward to keeping Jon around for at least another 70 years. I’m just having a tough time today adjusting emotionally to not being able to TTC as soon as I thought we’d be able to. I’m just having a tough time today not being jealous of people that can get pregnant whenever they want to, without having 6 months of hard work before going off the pill to make sure sugars are in order. I’m just having a tough time today because, even though we’re postponing for very good reasons, it feels like we’re never going to be ready to try for another child.

I’m just having a tough time today.

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