Januarys

This January 1 was a lot easier than those in the past. I know some of it is because we have Gus at home, who makes us laugh every single day. I also think it has to do with Oscar’s and Bella’s due date losing significance. We have celebrated their birthday in July and due date in January every year. When Tittle got added to the mix, I think that’s when things began to change. Oscar and Bella have a birthday, a day that’s just their own, that we celebrate. Gus has a birthday, a day that’s just his own, that we celebrate. Tittle doesn’t have a birthday. Tittle doesn’t have a day that’s just his own. Three years ago today Jon and I were in the fertility clinic, getting a “head count” ultrasound and found out we were carrying twins. In two weeks, it will be three years since we found out that Tittle died. Tittle doesn’t have a birth date, since he was never born. It doesn’t feel right to honor him on his due date, because he would have been born with Gus and we celebrate Gus on his birthday. So, all we have is Tittle Time, January 11-January 25. I don’t want to say that his life was only January 11-January 25. Both Gus and Tittle were conceived on December 5; we weren’t aware we were carrying twins until January 11, so that wasn’t the beginning of Tittle’s life.

This year, like previous years, we’ve invited friends over to our house to make snow angels, and that will happen towards the end of the month. We indicated that it was in honor of Oscar’s and Bella’s due date AND Tittle. I think, maybe, next year it will just be snow angels in honor of Tittle Time. Jon and I say that Tittle is sneaky, and maybe he doesn’t want to be the center of attention, but it just feels wrong that Tittle doesn’t get his own celebration. We include him any chance we can, but he doesn’t have anything of his very own. I think that’s one reason why I want him to have his own special celebration; we don’t have anything that’s just his. We have no u/s pictures of him. We have no heartbeat sounds of him. He has no birth date. He has a death date, but our pregnancy continued. We have no idea what he looked like, so it’s just very strange situation.

I just hope he knows how much I love him, even though it’s taking me a long time to figure out how he wants to be honored.