Thursday, March 21, 2013

Excited vs. Anxious

Last Friday I had an appointment with my counselor. This is the same counselor I met with back in 2009 as we were preparing for our selective reduction. I saw her once or twice before the reduction, once or twice after the reduction. I still remember leaving her office after my appointment. I had cried in her office about the reduction, the emotions I was having with making that choice and carrying it out. I left her office that day grateful that I was able to meet with her, but never expecting to see her again.

Then Oscar and Bella were born and I've been seeing Julianne ever since. Initially it was very frequently, like once every 1-2 weeks. Then it got spaced out (once a month) and now it's about once every 8 weeks. I was always able to set my own appointments, in terms of how far apart they were spaced, so I truly could stop going at any time, but I still keep going.

Some may question why I keep going. It's been over 3.5 years since Oscar and Bella were born and over 3 years since Tittle died. What could I possibly keep talking to her about? That's what some don't understand...that even "this far out" there's still quite a bit to talk about. At first it was a lot of crying, trying to figure out how to continue living without Oscar and Bella. It really wasn't until within the last year that I was at a point that I consciously wanted to stop blaming myself for their deaths.

Now that we are going to try for our second rainbow, I think a lot of the talk will be about having two at home of different ages, as opposed to having twins at home. I think a lot of the talk will be about handling the stress of treatment cycles (if the first one doesn't work, when we've been pretty successful in the past). I think a lot of the talk will be about trying to balance missing Oscar, Bella and Tittle, having Gus at home and the stress/anxiety of a new pregnancy.

One thing Julianne did say towards the end of the appointment was instead of being anxious, try to turn that into a similar feeling and be excited. I will try to keep this in mind as we move forward.

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