Monday, March 25, 2013

Gone, again

Jon is gone, again. It feels like I have so much in my head and heart that I need to process, but haven't had the time to sit down with myself and get it out. It was great having Jon home this past week, unexpectedly, but it didn't really give me a chance to sit with myself. It really was just an, "I'm so glad you're home, but you're flying out on Sunday so we have to get all this stuff done before you leave."

With that said, though, there are some things weighing on my heart and mind. I know I haven't processed them all, but I'm hoping that at least typing them out here will help me begin to process them subconsciously.
  1. I keep hearing more and more pregnancy announcements; I think I'm up to 11 since the beginning of the year. While I'm thrilled for those who are getting pregnant, I'm jealous that it's not me. I know that some of them are trying for their first rainbow and I shouldn't be jealous of them, but I am.
  2. Our appointment with our RE is April 22. This seems so close, but also so very far away. I think what's causing the time warp is that Jon and I have been talking about trying for rainbow #2 for a LONG might even be coming up on a year...that I just want it here already.
  3. Jon and I have finalized a girl's first and middle name and a boy's first name. This makes the fact that we are going to be trying again much more real.
  4. Ultimately, I'm hoping for a healthy, living baby that we get to bring home and have with us until we die. After that, I'm hoping for a girl. When I've heard people in the past stating they wanted a particular sex, I got angry. I couldn't even get pregnant on my own and they were being picky about a boy vs. a girl??? I know I shouldn't be picky. I know that I will love whatever child we have, but I want to bring home a girl. I want the experience of raising a daughter that I don't get to have with Bella.
  5. My grandpa is dying and I don't really care. I care that my mom is going through the loss of her father, but that's about it. I know that I blogged about a similar feeling when my cousin died, but this is different. I think it really comes down to the fact that after Oscar and Bella were born and died and their air of pretending like they never existed, I said good-bye to them. So, for him to physically die just isn't affecting me. Like I said, I feel terrible for my mom, who has recently lost her niece, is losing her father and will probably lose her mother not long after my grandpa passes--my grandma and grandpa have been together since they were 18 and they are over 85 now. I've already decided that I will go the funeral, but for my mom. I want my mom to know that I will support her in her grief as she has tried to support me in mine.

1 comment:

  1. You've got a lot on your plate right now and I'm wishing for you the time and peace to process it. I can so relate on the jealousy, even over rainbow pregnancies. I have a few fellow loss moms I know now pregnant, and even though it makes me feel awful, I just don't want to hear about it. Thinking of you.