With that said, though, there are some things weighing on my heart and mind. I know I haven't processed them all, but I'm hoping that at least typing them out here will help me begin to process them subconsciously.
- I keep hearing more and more pregnancy announcements; I think I'm up to 11 since the beginning of the year. While I'm thrilled for those who are getting pregnant, I'm jealous that it's not me. I know that some of them are trying for their first rainbow and I shouldn't be jealous of them, but I am.
- Our appointment with our RE is April 22. This seems so close, but also so very far away. I think what's causing the time warp is that Jon and I have been talking about trying for rainbow #2 for a LONG time...it might even be coming up on a year...that I just want it here already.
- Jon and I have finalized a girl's first and middle name and a boy's first name. This makes the fact that we are going to be trying again much more real.
- Ultimately, I'm hoping for a healthy, living baby that we get to bring home and have with us until we die. After that, I'm hoping for a girl. When I've heard people in the past stating they wanted a particular sex, I got angry. I couldn't even get pregnant on my own and they were being picky about a boy vs. a girl??? I know I shouldn't be picky. I know that I will love whatever child we have, but I want to bring home a girl. I want the experience of raising a daughter that I don't get to have with Bella.
- My grandpa is dying and I don't really care. I care that my mom is going through the loss of her father, but that's about it. I know that I blogged about a similar feeling when my cousin died, but this is different. I think it really comes down to the fact that after Oscar and Bella were born and died and their air of pretending like they never existed, I said good-bye to them. So, for him to physically die just isn't affecting me. Like I said, I feel terrible for my mom, who has recently lost her niece, is losing her father and will probably lose her mother not long after my grandpa passes--my grandma and grandpa have been together since they were 18 and they are over 85 now. I've already decided that I will go the funeral, but for my mom. I want my mom to know that I will support her in her grief as she has tried to support me in mine.