Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Counting and Waiting

I'm a very number-oriented person. I majored in math in college and taught math for two years. It should as no surprise to anyone that I've counted.

 I’ve counted 14. 13 people I know* are currently pregnant and one is undergoing fertility treatments (and will test in early April to see if she is pregnant); 14 people that are where I want to be, trying to have a baby. *Know in person or via their blogs.

I’ve counted 25. 25 days until I take a pregnancy test to confirm that Jon and I didn’t miraculously conceive.

I’ve counted 26. 26 days until my appointment at the fertility clinic to force a CD1 so that we can begin follistim.

I’ve counted 47. 47 (possible) days until our IUI and the beginning of the two week wait.

I’ve counted 61. 61 (possible) days until the end of my 2ww, and I take a home pregnancy test willing that second line to show.

I’ve counted.

Those with infertility know how much time is spent waiting and counting the days preparing for treatments, waiting to see if treatments resulted in pregnancies or waiting for a new cycle to start.

Those who’ve had a subsequent pregnancy know how much time is spent waiting and counting the days for an u/s, for the next appointment to see/hear the baby, for the milestone when a prior pregnancy was lost, for viability, for a birthdate and take-home date.

And now I continue waiting. It seems that I’ve been waiting for so long. Jon and I began discussing having a child after Gus prior to him being born, at least I did. I knew before Gus was born that I could and wanted another pregnancy. At that point, Jon was strictly focused on making sure that we got to bring Gus home. Then we did bring Gus home, and I knew I didn’t want to start trying again until Gus was at least 2 years old. Then Gus did turn 2 and Jon and I were not ready to try, as individuals or as a couple. We worked on us as a couple, and on us as individuals, and we are ready now, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been waiting.

And there’s no guarantee that our first cycle will work. I’m hoping and hoping and hoping that my past cycles are indicative of what this cycle will be, but I have a feeling deep down that we aren’t going to be successful on our first try. Honestly, I have a feeling even deeper, that I’m trying to ignore, that we won’t be able to get pregnant again. I mean, that would just fit, right?

Diabetes: Growing up I heard, “You won’t be able to have children.” Eventually, I began to hear, “Yes, with very good control, you can have children.”

Infertility: Hey body, I know you just did a great job getting your diabetes under control so that you could have a kid, but we’re not going to play along. You’d better get yourself to an RE.

Pregnancy Loss: Whoo-hoo. We found, rather quickly, treatments that worked and now you’re pregnant. Sorry, your first two children are going to die due to premature birth. Oh, and you won’t get to bring home your third child, either.

Pregnancy: We lost Oscar ad Bella. We lost Tittle. We are being cautious and doing what we can to keep Gus here, we are beginning to get hopeful. SLAM! Magnesium sulfate with hospital bedrest and then at home bedrest. What? You’ve scheduled an induction? We’re getting this body in labor 4 days before. But, we’re also going to give you a scare during delivery, too!!

And now I’m here, hoping that our attempts at another child do not follow my historical rollercoasters. We found fertility treatments that work-please let them work again. We’ve lost children-please let me not lose any more. We’ve brought a living child home-please let us bring home another living child. I’ve had a complicated pregnancy-please let the next one be an easier and drama-free one.

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