Thursday, September 12, 2013

A Beautiful Sky

I started a post earlier today, that was going to be about how much I was missing Oscar and Bella, but apparently, there was a reason why I didn't get to finish and publish it. I needed to wait for the beautiful sky.

Jon, Gus and I went on a family bike ride after dinner. We put Gus in the bike trailer and took a practice ride to his new preschool to see how long in took us, in hopes of biking there tomorrow morning to drop Gus off. We got home and it was time to start Gus' bedtime routine. Gus was a little crazy and was running around his room like a rocket ship. He stopped, looked out his window and said, "Mama, come look at the beautiful sky! Oscar and Bella are visiting from Heaven! But not Tittle Tittle's green and there's no green and sneaky."

I couldn't help but begin to tear up. Does he truly believe that when we have a beautiful sky that it's his brothers and sisters coming to visit? Have I been taking the beautiful skies just a little for granted and have been treating them just as a symbol, when they actually are drawing the beautiful skies for us to say "Hello", "We love you" and "We miss you, too"?

Yesterday we dropped off the donations to one of the 4K teachers at our elementary school.The 4K teacher told us that there was a family that was experiencing an unexpected need this year, so she knew exactly which boy would get the Oscar donation. It felt wonderful to know that because of my son, this little boy would benefit. But I'm so sad. I'm sad that I didn't get to go shopping with Oscar to choose his school supplies, to help him pack up his backpack the night before and make sure everything was in just the right spot to carry into school, to take his picture on the first day of 4K, to talk with him that evening to hear what he liked or didn't like about the first day, what he looked forward to learn from his teacher, and ask him if he was looking forward to going back for the second day.

I think the fact that she knew exactly what boy would get the items we picked out for Oscar is actually making this more difficult, as I'm not having these same feelings for Bella today. Yes, I miss her every day, but I don't have a visual of a little girl arriving at school this morning, seeing the new backpack and being told that it's hers; I do have that visual for Oscar's things.

I miss them. I want to see them grow up in front of my eyes and not in my head. I want to know their personalities like I know Gus'. I want to pick them up and hug them. I want to tussle their hair during bedtime routines. I just want them here, and not just in a beautiful sky.


  1. Abiding with you through this sadness and grief. I wish it were so, so different.

  2. Missing Oscar and Bella with you Brianna. I understand, my friend. Thinking of you and sending hugs.