Thursday, September 5, 2013

Feels like I'm living in a nightmare

I'm still really struggling with not being pregnant and being on a TTC break. This weekend was especially difficult.

Jon and I decided on Wednesday (8/28), after a positive daycare tour, that we are switching Gus to a preschool. At this preschool, they had a short supply list. So, we needed to go school shopping. Along with Gus' school shopping, we would also be shopping for Oscar and Bella. We were able to get into contact with one of the 4-year-old kindergarten teachers who was very open to us donating two sets of school supplies this year, as today's supposed to be the day that Oscar and Bella would start 4K.

The shopping was very difficult for me. We were excited to be shopping for Gus, but sad that we were doing shopping for Oscar and Bella and trying to imagine what backpacks they would have chosen. And it felt like Tittle was being left out. Jon and I, last year, decided that we would do a 4K donation for Tittle next year when Gus started 4K--we weren't expecting a school list this year. Fortunately, Gus' supply list had a couple with list items (coloring books and stickers), so we're donating those for Tittle.

In the afternoon, Gus' big boy bedroom furniture arrived: twin mattress/box spring, bookcase headboard, nightstand, 5-drawer chest. We were able to move 99% of the contents to Gus' new room. So, we now have an empty nursery that my heart so wants to fill, but there is no certainty that it will ever be filled again, which adds bitter-sweetness to Gus being in his big boy bedroom. Will I ever hold a newborn of mine again? Will I ever get to handle those itty-bitty clothes for an infant again? Will I ever see another toothless smile? Or are all those days behind me with a basement full of items that Gus has outgrown and gotten too old for, but I'm not ready to part with them yet?

Gus had his final soccer practice and soccer game this past weekend on Saturday and Sunday. The practice was okay, especially since neither of the pregnant families were there. The game, and team dinner afterwards, was a lot harder. Two of the families are pregnant with their second at-home children. Two of the families already have two at-home children. We are the only family that only has one at home. During the dinner, one of the moms was commenting about how the two who are pregnant just need to keep the kids growing so that they arrive strong and healthy. I, seriously, wanted to gouge my ears out with a straw. Yes, these are friends. Yes, these are people that I don't wish any will towards. However, I WANT TO BE PREGNANT, TOO!

It also doesn't help that on Friday afternoon my boss told me that he and his wife are about 6 weeks pregnant. They had not been trying. I think he thought they were done having kids. Now this.

And there's the friend who was doing fertility treatments and found out that she was pregnant during our 2ww. She just found out that she's expecting twins.


I go to bed each night and sleep. I wake up in the morning and am hit with the wave of reality.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. Those are a lot of pregnancies to deal with. I would NOT be handling that well. I'm so sorry you have all these reminders to compound your loss.

    Abiding with you.