Christmas is always a hard time of year. Dealing with family you may not want to deal with, missing those that should be here and trying to make good memories with those who are is sometimes too much to handle, and causes emotional rollercoasters.
I attended our bereaved parent support group on Thursday (Dec. 19), knowing that I needed to go. On that day, I should have been 32w pregnant with Firefly. While I'm looking forward to a fun Christmas with Gus, it hurts to know that we shouldn't be traveling anywhere out of town due to being so pregnant.
Saturday we traveled to my mother-in-law's house to celebrate Christmas with Jon's family (mother, brother, sister-in-law and niece). One would think a small gathering like this would be easy and calm. It's not. Jon's mother doesn't really know how to have a 2-way conversation, so she just talks and talks, jumping from topic to topic. Even if I do try to comment on what she's talking about, she just jumps anyway. Jon's brother is okay to talk to, but most often he ends up talking about things/people that I have no connection to (people from their hometown, what they're doing 10+ years after they've graduated high school, etc.). Sister-in-law is...I don't know what she is, but I can't really have a conversation with her. So, I end up sitting there, in MIL's freezing house (she keeps it at about 65 degrees Fahrenheit year-round) bored out of my mind. It also doesn't help that they don't think before they speak. I was just finishing telling a story about a family that adopted a little boy whose twin was stillborn. The little boy died around 6 months old, and it turned out that he was able to be buried with his twin's cremains. MIL' response: "I just couldn't imagine what it would be like to have twins." Seriously??? It's not even relevant to what I shared! Everyone was just silent, as I was fighting the urge to slap her and cry at the same time. Then Jon, my wonderful husband, said, "I imagine it every single day."
After dinner Gus and his cousin were playing together and my heart just is so saddened. They had so much fun together and I wonder if Gus will ever get to be a big brother on Earth. I hope so, but there are no guarantees, and that makes me so sad. I'm taking this holiday break to really take a break from any heavy discussions about TTC or do anything more than keep up with our regularly scheduled sex, but I know conversations will need to be had with Jon about whether or not we wait until March to go back to the fertility clinic or if we go earlier and how any treatment cycles are going to work with Jon's work travel (he just found out today that he'll be flying out January 6).
Sunday was a snow day! We got around 7 inches of snow, so it's a good thing that I had already planned to make Christmas cookies with Gus! Jon and Gus let me sleep in while they watched Polar Express. I was all set to go clean up the kitchen and set up our work areas when Jon, again, urged me to open my Christmas present from Gus early. I gave in and was happy I did. Gus chose for me a Sesame Street Cookbook and a baking set (mixing bowl, rubber spatula, whisk and measuring cup) just the right size for him. I looked through the book right and found a recipe that went well with the dinner we were planning for that night, though Jon did have to run to the store for one of the ingredients.
So, Gus and I began our day of baking. Gus was such a good helper. He helped measure out all the ingredients, we took turns stirring and mixing, we took turns rolling out the dough. Then he wanted to take a break to go play with his new race track with Dad. And that's how the rest of the day went. Gus alternated between helping me in the kitchen and playing with Jon in the living room. By the end of the day, Gus and I made cookie dough, used the cookie cutters, baked and frosted them, made apple crumble and banana bread. After all the baking was done, Gus asked if Jon could open his Christmas present. I agreed, so Jon and Gus began playing with Jon's magna-tiles.
It was the end to a great day, yet I was crying. I miss our other kids so much. I wonder what Oscar, Bella and Tittle would have wanted for Christmas and what they each would have wanted to help me with in getting ready for Christmas. I wonder what our Christmas would have looked like, as I would be 33w pregnant on Dec. 26. We certainly would not have been making plans to go visit my family (3 hours away). It's just so hard to be so in love with what's here while missing everything that's gone at the same time.