Thursday, November 14, 2013

Emotionally Heavy

Jon's been gone this week to Colorado for a business trip. I never look forward to weeks when he's gone, because it usually means that by Wednesday Gus is having major episodes of grumpiness. Thankfully, for me, that did not happen this week!

The hardest part of the week so far was last night and this morning (Wednesday and Thursday). This week at preschool, the letter of the week is H. During dinner on Tuesday, Gus and I were coming up with words that began with H, and I was writing them on his little whiteboard easel. By the end of dinner we had come up with 25 words and filled his whiteboard. On Wednesday during dinner, Gus wanted to come up with more H words, but since his whiteboard was full, I suggested we get out a piece of paper and write the 25 words we already came up with and then add to the list. Gus agreed and we continued to come up with more H words (plus the 8 P words in the middle, because he wanted to) when we got stuck at 49. Sure, I was coming up with some H words in my head, but certainly not words that Gus knows at 3, so I wasn't much help coming up with word 50. Then Gus said, "How about we look around the house?" What a brilliant idea!!!!! And that led us to find on the counter his baseball helmet. Gus was so excited at coming up with 50 H words that I asked if he wanted to call Daddy to tell him; Gus excitedly said yes. Gus dialed up Jon's cell phone, turned on the speaker phone and we waited for Jon to answer. He did, and I could see the light go on even brighter in Gus' eyes, but Jon quickly told us that he was still working and couldn't talk.

Gus just didn't understand, and Jon wasn't giving us the chance to even tell him what we wanted to tell him, so I grabbed the phone and told that Gus just wanted to tell him that we came up with all those words. So, not only did Gus not get to talk to Jon, but he didn't even get to share the news with him either, because Jon kept trying to tell Gus that he wanted to talk, but couldn't, so Gus couldn't even get a word in. I felt so bad for Gus, but tried to tell him, after I hung up the phone, that Daddy was still working, so couldn't talk right then.

The rest of dinner and playtime after was fun, but when it was time to go upstairs, that's when the hard part occurred. In my hands I had my laptop to bring up to Gus' bedroom so that we could video chat with Jon before bed. Gus walked right in front of me and held up his arms to be picked up. After confirming that he did want me to carry him upstairs, I told Gus that I couldn't carry him and the laptop upstairs, and we needed the laptop to talk with Jon. "I don't want to talk to Daddy." My heart just sunk. I set the laptop down, scooped up my boy, and he promptly buried his face in my neck. When we go to his room I sat down on his bed with him. After a couple minutes of trying to explain why Jon answered when he couldn't talk to us, I asked Gus if I should talk to Daddy and tell him that if he couldn't talk, then he shouldn't answer, and Gus would leave him a message. Gus seemed good with that, and I thought the heaviness of my heart was gone.

That was until I came across the blog Chasing Rainbows. The most recent post stated that it has been seven months since Gavin died. Not being familiar with the blog, I went back to find out who Gavin was and why he died. What commenced was a night of me sitting on the couch sobbing for this family, while automatically putting myself into the situation with Gus in Gavin's place.

This morning, Gus awoke happy, and because of the blog reading, I was in a very loving mood, not caring about whether or not we were running late, and just relishing in having Gus with me. Then we started making breakfast. Gus wanted french toast sticks with a clementine. He proceeded to make himself something special by using the 3 french toast sticks and all the pieces of the clementine (plus 2 from a second clementine) to create a person on his plate. After Gus finished his creation, I brought his plate to the table, as I was afraid if Gus carried it some of the body parts would fall to the floor. Gus sat down in front of his plate while I finished getting my breakfast ready. "He's sad (turning his clementine into a frown). He misses his daddy....he's happy now!" My heart just sank again. I tried to be extra loving and silly and goofy the rest of the morning and during drop off, and gave him extra kisses, but it hurt me knowing that he was still hurt by the phone call last night...and there was nothing I could do about it. I'm so glad Jon will be home tomorrow to help mend Gus' little heart.

And if all that wasn't enough, I read this article today. I most certainly took more notice of my hugs, kisses and words with Gus tonight.

So, my heart isn't necessarily heavy, but it's been an emotionally heavy couple days for me. I'm glad Jon is coming home tomorrow.

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