Scared

I can feel it, the fear, creeping in and taking up home within me.
Jon's urology appointment is 1.5 weeks away. I know we won't get specific answers on that day, as Jon will likely have to do a couple SA's to get a true look at what's going on, but on that day I will be able to get an answer, from an expert, regarding our theory that Jon's counts went to crap because of the weight loss program he was on.

I think that if the doctor responds that the weight loss, and program, are not the cause, I think I'll just start crying right then and there.

I'm scared and nervous that we will just keep hitting obstacle after obstacle in our efforts to bring home another rainbow. I'm scared of potentially facing a decision to say that we are done having kids without bringing another one home. I'm scared that the decision will be taken away from us, like other decisions regarding our children have been taken away.

I'm scared of HAVING to be done before I'm ready, how that will affect me, Jon, Gus, my relationships with Jon and Gus, and our entire family.

I'm scared.