I had an appointment with my counselor on Friday. Since then I've been calmer than I had been, but I'm still nervous.
Not necessarily nervous about the hpt I'll do next Monday (I'm still fully expecting that to be negative), but nervous about what happens after that.
I know that I will go on bcp for a month. Jon has an appointment with our primary doc to get, probably, some labs done to see if there's a hormonal reason for his change in numbers/motility. But after that, then what?
Jon's not ready to talk about what comes after, as he just wants to get through the wait. I'm pretty sure, though I haven't confirmed with him, that if I said we're done trying, Jon would accept that and we'd move on in our life with Gus as our only living child.
I'm scared. I'm scared of giving up. I'm scared of what that will do to me as a person and as a mom. I'm scared of what that will do to me as a wife and how it will affect our marriage.
I'm just scared that after everything we've already gone through, I'll have to grieve yet again. How much grieving can one person be subjected to?