Monday, August 5, 2013

The Wait Begins

I know that I will get through this wait, but I don't know how I'm going to make it with my sanity intact.

There is so much stress related to this two week wait for me. At this point, we can really only afford (financially) to do another 1 or 2 cycles. I hate that we might have to stop treatments strictly due to cost. I've also feeling very negative about this cycle, especially after Jon's sample numbers. Something is going on with his body, and I just hope that it's an easy and quick fix to get his counts back to where they should be.

On Sunday we had our fresh IUI. Jon went in and produced his sample without issue. While the volume was in normal range, the motility and counts were not that great. Post-wash, we were looking at 750,000 sperm, when our clinic would like more than 10 million. He's going to be setting up an appointment with our primary care doctor when he returns from this work trip to get some labs done to see what's going on. Everything you read says that weight loss and moderate exercise are good for sperm production and counts, but that is not what's happened with Jon. So, we need to get things figured out, not just for fertility reasons, but general health reasons.

This morning we had our frozen IUI. When I saw that the total pre-wash sperm count was 68 million I started to get excited, then I saw that only 10% were motile. So, post-wash, we were left with 4.2 million sperm to be put into my uterus. I know "it only takes one", but when you've already battled just to get an egg to release, you want the most sperm you can get, and at least the number your clinic would like to see. *sigh*

I just feel foolish. Why didn't I push Jon earlier to talk to his doctor about his numbers? Dr. P said it was hopeful that with Jon's reduced counts we still go pregnant during Firefly's cycle, but even that doesn't necessarily help me feel better. I mean, it does and it doesn't. With the IUI that we were able to do we had 17.5 million sperm working for us. The flip side of that is that the IUI was done the day BEFORE ovulation, where as with this cycle we were able to do one the day before and one timed at ovulation. But, then I look at what happened last cycle. We had 42.5 million sperm the day prior to ovulation and 700, 000 the day of. You'd think that just looking at numbers we would have gotten pregnant last cycle, but it's all just a big crap shoot that toys and plays with my emotions. I keep going back to why I didn't push to have Jon get checked out after the first cycle. Then, at least, we wouldn't have spent all the money on cycles that weren't most ideal.

I really have no expectations for this cycle. Honestly, I think that we're just not going to get pregnant. I had a dream the night of July 26. To preface the dream, we have some friends that needed fertility treatments to get pregnant, they lost twins, they have a rainbow at home, they are doing treatments to conceive again. The only thing I remember from the dream is that I received a text message that they were pregnant and that we were never able to conceive again. I found out this weekend that this cycle was successful for them. I'm thrilled that the first part of my dream came true and that they are pregnant, but it makes me scared that the second half of my dream will also come true.

Jon is feeling very positive about this cycle. I hope he's right. There are little things about this cycle that could make me feel positive, but I think I'm protecting myself too much to let them fill me with hope. I can't help but feeling that we're just throwing money away because it's just not going to work and I have to grieve another dream.

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