Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today. I think a large part of it is the weather (gray and rainy all week) and the lack of sleep (Gus has been falling asleep late, waking in the night and getting up early all week), but another part is that I'm sewing a kilt for Gus.

Now, I started learning how to sew in December 2011 (so after Gus was 1). I wanted to learn how to sew for me, but I haven't been able to find the time needed to really learn about patterns and altering to actually make my own clothes yet. But, this post isn't about my learning to sew. This post is about one kilt for one little boy.

Gus was invited to a classmate's birthday party this Saturday. The birthday girl is in love with princesses, which makes that the theme of her party. Gus' invitation was addressed to Prince Gus, and the invitation stated that guests should wear their best princess or prince attire. Now, I don't know about you, but it's way more fun to dress a girl as a princess than a boy as a prince. How does one truly dress up as a prince without spending a ton of money on a pre-made costume? So, Jon and I brought it up to Gus. We told him about the party and that the girls were going to dress up as princesses and the boys as princes. We asked him how he wanted to dress up, and he told us he wanted to dress up as Merida from Brave.

Now, you may notice that Merida is a PRINCESS! While I'm open about Gus playing dress-up at school with girls/boys clothes, he's also at the age where he's starting to learn that boys and girls are different, so I don't want to confuse the boy. So, Jon and I decided that we would stick with the Brave theme, but Gus would dress as one of Merida's little brothers, and would thus be dressed as a prince. So, off I went to the internet to search for an easy way to make a toddler kilt.

I've been working on the kilt for about two weeks and it's almost done. I just need to add the velcro to the waist and pin/sew the sash. It will be time consuming (pinning always is), but it hit me this morning that I actually created an article of clothing for my son that he will get to wear. The kilt isn't perfect, but I made it and I think it looks better than okay. This is what is making my heart heavy.

I began learning how to sew for me, but I've actually sewn for my son, something I will never get to do for Oscar, Bella and Tittle. I will never ask any of them to get undressed so that I can try something on them to make sure it will fit well. I will never have to reassure them that I've put the pins on the outside and they will not get poked as long as they stand still and listen. I will never be able to make them something and see them enjoy it.

I think that last statement is the biggest thing. Jon and I do thinks in Oscar's, Bella's and Tittle's honor, but they're not here to enjoy it. I know that Oscar, Bella and Tittle see that we do things for them, but it's not the same. I will never attempt to sew a frilly skirt for Bella. I will never sew camo pants for Tittle. I will never sew plaid overalls for Oscar. And I will never see them run around in them. I will never hear them ask me to make them something. I will never get to work on a project with them

It's these moments, when I realize how much I have with Gus and how much I'm missing with Oscar, Bella and Tittle.