I'm done testing, I think

I tested this morning (8dpo) and the line was lighter than the day before, so I decided that I'm done testing.

The firsts and the lasts

I was texting Jon about the pregnancy test this morning, and he mentioned something about hoping that we are pregnant so that we can be done with infertility. If only it were that simple.

7dpo: And the rollercoaster continues

So, I've been testing every morning, first thing, to test out my trigger shot. Yesterday (6dpo), the line was questionable. Was it negative, was it barely positive or was it an evaporation line? I figured the best course of action was to test again today.

Hard Mornings

I very much dislike mornings like today. Gus had about 5 tantrums this morning, all between 6am and 7:20am...and I don't know why.

Diabetes Sucks

Today has been a crappy day for my diabetes.

3dpo

It's been three days since I was supposed to have ovulated after taking the trigger shot on Tuesday evening, and, so far, my stress has been manageable. I've taken 3 HPT's, and they've all been positive, as expected. I was surprised that even on Friday (1dpo) that the second line took a little time to appear. The test on Saturday was significantly lighter than Friday, but then today the line was just a little lighter than yesterday. I'm not certain, but I may stop testing every day once I know the the trigger has left my body. That way, I don't get too upset with all those negatives, as it's really the one on June 6 that matters. That way, I think, I can keep hope alive for a few days before the official test.

I think once I know the trigger leaves my body, that's when the real stress is going to be felt. I know in my head that I have no control over this. I know that whether or not I'm pregnant is already established, and that it's just a matter of time before it's detectable. This cycle may not have worked at all, with our IUI on Wednesday morning and then TI on Thursday evening, but I can't help but hope and try to be positive. While I'm hoping that this cycle works, I also hope that I'm not deluding myself and that I won't be crushed when I take "the real" test.

Fear

It hit me today, a realization about fear.

I know that during any subsequent pregnancy I will be fearful. I’ve been through one subsequent, lost a child during it, and then spent the remainder of the pregnancy fearing for the loss of the other child. I learned coping techniques from my counselor, and I made it through. But what hit me today was different.

The waiting begins...

...and hoping that different doesn't mean bad.

Here we go again

We had our u/s this morning and, thankfully, all was well. My lining was still good at 7.65. My lead follicle was 16.46, my second follicle was 14.34 and either my third follicle shrunk or the doc just decided to not measure.

What cycle day am I on?

In the land of infertility, at least for me, your cycle day really isn't your cycle day.

Hello, Follistim

We had our u/s this morning to see if I grew any follicles after using femara. Nothing. My lining was only 4.55 and there were no follicles greater than 10mm. So, tomorrow night we start follistim again.

After Mother's Day

It's been quite some time since I actually wrote a letter to Oscar, Bella and Tittle, but I feel compelled to write letters today, not just to them, but to all my kids and my wonderful husband.

To All Mothers

Much has already been said in the online community about Mother's Day, depending on what type of mother you are. I know that what I say on this blog will not reach many, but I'm putting it out into the world so that it can BE in the world.

To the mothers who have had no struggles--May your Mother's Day be filled with love, laughter and the joy of your life.

To the mothers who are dealing with primary infertility and are mothers in their hearts, but not yet in their bodies--May your Mother's Day be gentle as you navigate the day.

To the mothers with children at home, but are dealing with secondary infertility--May your children shower you with love.

To the mothers who did not get to bring children home--May your child find loving and gentle ways of saying, "I love you" today.

To the mothers who did get to bring children home, but had to give them back far too soon--May you find peace today as you remember the time you had, knowing it wasn't enough.

I need to write more often

I don’t even know where I am anymore. Jon was in Virginia last week, so I’m hoping that is part of why I feel so jumbled, disconnected from the online community and overwhelmed lately.