I was texting Jon about the pregnancy test this morning, and he mentioned something about hoping that we are pregnant so that we can be done with infertility. If only it were that simple.
Yes, we will be done with infertility treatments, but I think there will always be a part of me that is affected because of our journey of infertility, as well as loss. After Oscar, Bella and Tittle died, there were so many things that we missed out on. We missed out on their firsts of everything, so that when Gus experienced his firsts it was always bittersweet. I wanted to witness those first with Oscar, Bella and Tittle, and knew that I was experiencing them vicariously through Gus. But now that we may be embarking on our last pregnancy, I realized that Gus was cheated.
I feel that I didn't celebrate his firsts as fully as I should have, that I didn't pay as much attention to them, because I was missing his older siblings. And I'm feeling that I'll be more conscious with our last pregnancy because there will no longer be any more firsts. Is this what it truly is like for a middle child? To have your firsts and accomplishments be "old hat" because, in the case where the older siblings are living, they've been done before? And that the youngest gets more attention on the firsts because they're the last firsts the parents will experience with any of their children?
If that's the case, then it sucks. I wish I could go back and take more pictures, write more in Gus' baby book. Gus is so, so special to me. He is my sweetie-heart, my cuddle-bug, my little duck, and I hate that I feel like I've cheated him. I hate that his celebrations were tinged with sadness. I don't know how this round of fertility treatments is going to turn out, but I know that I'm going to try my hardest to let Gus have his own celebrations. I will still feel bittersweet about the missed firsts that I didn't have with Oscar, Bella and Tittle, and I will feel bittersweet about the last firsts we will experience, but Gus' firsts are just as important as any of my other kids'.
It's so interesting to me that you liken Gus's experience to a middle child, because I guess that's so apt; after all, that is the birth order in which he falls. But we sometimes forget that even though our kids aren't here, they still make up the family dynamic in many ways. I find it comforting, somehow, to know that what we experience is probably all part of 'normal' parenting too.
ReplyDeleteI have so much hope for you guys in this wait!