Here we go again

We had our u/s this morning and, thankfully, all was well. My lining was still good at 7.65. My lead follicle was 16.46, my second follicle was 14.34 and either my third follicle shrunk or the doc just decided to not measure.

So, we trigger tonight and IUI tomorrow and Thursday. I'm feeling relatively calm right now, but as I type this an think about the next two weeks, and hopefully another 35 after that, I can feel the nervousness and the excitement building. My estrogen level was 289 this morning, which is the lowest it's been for ANY cycle we've done at our fertility clinic. Depending on what website you look at, for each mature follicle you should have an estrogen level between 150 and 400. With Gus and Tittle, my estrogen level was 687 and we know how that turned out.

When Jon and I were talking last night, he shared with me that if my secondary follicle was less than 14.5, then there would be no question; we should trigger, as opposed to canceling the cycle or risking twins. So, at 14.34, we are below that mark.

Now that we are here, on the cusp of ovulation and (hopeful) conception, this all seems too real to me. My history of trying to conceive leads me to believe that we will get a positive pregnancy test, as every time we've done follistim with double-IUI we've conceived, but every pregnancy has had loss in it. So, what does that mean for this try? Looking at it negatively (my nature) it means that we're also going to have a loss or something bad happen. If I look at it positively, we conceive 4, then 2 and now 1; we lost the entire pregnancy, we lost half the pregnancy and we lose none of the pregnancy? Could this be the case of conceive 1 and bring home 1? I really, really hope so, but how do I balance that hope with reality? It's not as if I have any greater chance of conceiving than I did before. It's not as if I've been given a pass from anything bad happening this pregnancy.

What's crazy is that I know that I'm not pregnant (yet), but I know when my due date is. I know when all of my doctor's appointments are going to be scheduled. I know when our first u/s will be at the fertility clinic before being released to the high risk perinatal clinic. I know when I need to deliver by or be induced. I know how far along I will be at certain holidays. I think that's what people who have not struggled to conceive don't understand. I see the entire life of a child unfold in my mind before that follicle that we've worked hard to grow even releases the mature egg.

I feel as though all I'm doing is rambling. I really want this cycle to work. I really don't want all the hope and positive feelings that I'm having to be crushed. Please send me positive thoughts, calm and peace as we enter the two-week weight. I don't want to be stressed and freaking out every day, but I know that I can't make time move any faster, so please, please, please let the time feel as though it's flying by.