Fear

It hit me today, a realization about fear.

I know that during any subsequent pregnancy I will be fearful. I’ve been through one subsequent, lost a child during it, and then spent the remainder of the pregnancy fearing for the loss of the other child. I learned coping techniques from my counselor, and I made it through. But what hit me today was different.

I fear that this cycle didn’t work. This is the first time in a long time, since April 2009, that I feared that a cycle wouldn’t work. We had our first cycle with the fertility clinic, that resulted in 3 great follicles and we did TI in hopes of not conceiving multiples. When I didn’t get pregnant, I then had to wait a cycle for a cyst to shrink so that we could try cycle #2. That cycle I was afraid. Both of our fertility doctors were shocked that we weren’t pregnant, and we were told that my follicles looked better in cycle #1. So, for that entire 2ww, I was fearful that we COULDN’T conceive. Well, that cycle we conceived quads and eventually delivered our Oscar and Bella. The cycle that we tried after that, we felt like we were being told by Oscar and Bella that they wanted us to try, so I had no fear during that 2ww. Something, or someone (or two), told me that we would get pregnant. So, it’s been A LONG time since I’ve felt the fear of trying and not conceiving.

And then it hit me. Let’s assume we are beyond fortunate and we do conceive this cycle. I will go directly from fear of not conceiving to joy of conceiving to fear that we will lose this child to. If it means that we are pregnant, I will gladly take it. I just wonder, though, if this cycle doesn’t work, because of only one IUI 24 hours prior to ovulation and TI 36 hours after ovulation, will I have a similar fear next cycle, when we will do our back-to-back IUI’s again, like we’ve done the prior two times that we got pregnant?

Fingers are crossed that I don’t have to find out.