Thursday, October 13, 2016

Capture Your Grief 2016-Day 13: Dear World

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief.

What is on your heart tha tyou want the world to know about your kind of grief? This is your day to choose your own topic. Some topic ideas are pregnancy or infertility after loss. Anxiety or PTSD. Forgiveness. Trust. What is it that you want to talk about?

I have 6 children. Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly are the four kids I have, but don't have. I have them in my heart, but not in my arms. I have them in my house, but not around the dinner table. I have them with me always, but they never have parent-teacher conferences, they never have their car seats in the van, and we never eat their favorite meals for dinner. I am missing out on a lot with them, and they are missing out on a lot with me. There is so much we didn't get to do together, learn together or experience together. This is the sad part, to focus on this. This is what is brought up when I get triggered, everything I don't get because they are not here.

But, here's what I do have. I have 6 wonderful and beautiful children. 2 of them I get to parent in the traditional way. 4 of them I get to parent in an nontraditional way. I still get to plan their birthdays. I still get to include them in our annual Christmas letter. I still get to shop for school supplies each year. I still get to tell them I love them every day.

When my parents die, will I not still be their daughter? Will they not still be my parents? When my sisters die, will we not still be sisters? Just because my children are not physically here, does not mean they are not still my children and I am not still their mother. I have 6 children; 2 of them I hold in my arms and 4 of them I hold in my heart.

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