Feeling ????

As the title implies, I'm not really sure how I'm feeling, as it changes quite frequently throughout the day.

I stopped testing on May 31 (8dpo), but then started testing again on Monday (11dpo) because Jon thought it would help him with his fears. I told Jon that I didn't want to be the one to do the test. I didn't want to stare at the test for 3 minutes willing that second line to appear, so he's in charge of doing the tests. I get up, collect my urine in a cup, let him know, and get in the shower. He then does the test, and the waiting, while I'm trying not to think about what he's doing.

Yesterday he said that he thought it was positive, but it was really, really faint. When I got out of the shower, I looked and didn't see anything, other than where the line will hopefully appear on Thursday. Then, yesterday, in my internet searching, I discovered the trick about taking a picture in negative. So, we took some pics, and based on that we could see a faint line on yesterday's test.

The test on top is 8dpo and the test on the bottom is 11dpo.

This morning, Jon reported that the line was no different than yesterday, and he didn't take a picture, so no idea if it would have shown up as positive in the negative picture, but my hope was pretty much gone this morning after that test. My new thing to obsess about is having Jon take a test and see if it still glows. Maybe the reactive strip just automatically glows when wet, so all these pictures we're taking are just for naught.

I had some major cramping in my pelvic area on Thursday evening (7dpo), which made me pretty excited, so based on that (if it was implantation), I really shouldn't expect to see a positive HPT until tomorrow at the very earliest, but it's so hard to believe that the second line is going to show up. With my other two pregnancies, that line showed up IMMEDIATELY at 14dpo, so it would probably have also been positive at 12dpo (today), so I was expecting the same thing to happen this time. I know that each pregnancy is different, and they were quads/twins, so my hcg would have been higher that what it would be for a singleton, but there was no glimmer of a positive today. I just want certainty, is that so much to ask?

Even in non-TTC events of our life, there's uncertainty. Jon was planning on beginning the transition back to regular food starting on June 7. So, this past weekend we created our weekly meal plan so that on Friday Jon could eat the same meal that Gus and I would be eating. Well, after a weekend of Jon feeling not right, and sending a message to his doc's office, he's going to start transitioning tonight! Some might think, "No big deal, just change the menu around." It's not that simple. For the first week, Jon will be able to have a dinner of 4oz of lean protein and 2 cups of vegetables. That's it. Not until week 2 can he use healthy fats to cook his dinner. So, the teriyaki pork tenderloin on the menu for 2 nights this week is not an option for Jon. So, we have to come up with something that takes little time to prep and we have the ingredients for already in the house.

Hmmm....maybe all this uncertainty now is just practice for when we have two kids in the house, so I'd better get used to my plans going out the window??? I guess I do have some hope left.