Friday, June 7, 2013

Struggling and hoping

I'm really struggling since our news yesterday. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to do.

During the 2ww, while the trigger was still making the HPT's positive, I spoke wishings of good implantation to a child. I was convinced that this cycle would result in a pregnancy that would be "normal", uneventful, boring. I thought that all the differences between this cycle and our two previous cycles meant that this pregnancy would be different too: no losses. As my last posts have resulted, that conviction has wavered. Now I'm just in limbo.

Jon has stated he's already bonded to this pregnancy, but he also told me this morning that he, in past, had told himself that if we had another loss he would be done trying to conceive. I think that adds to how much I'm struggling right now. Do we acknowledge that this is our child or not? If we do, I would feel compelled to honor him/her like we do with Oscar, Bella and Tittle. If we don't, that somehow feels wrong. Is it okay to honor your dead children differently? I think I began bonding very early, but then, when I thought we wouldn't get pregnant I began to distance myself from the entire process. I think that is why I wanted Jon to test; I didn't want to get too excited by any positive because it might not last. Could my mind and body have known that this pregnancy would start out rocky and that I shouldn't bond quite yet?

I'm hoping that Monday will give us some certainty, though I'm not too hopeful that we will get anything other than hearing that we'll just have to wait and see. I'm hoping that on Monday my numbers will have risen considerably and we are well within the normal range for 4w4d pregnant. I'm hoping that in February we will bring home a healthy baby. I'm hoping that Jon and I don't have to have the conversation about whether or not to try again. I'm hoping that Jon and I don't have to have discussions about what color/symbol/animal to use to help us symbolize another child that we didn't get to bring home, raise and get to know.

I don't know what expectations I should have? Should I expect that I could start bleeding at any moment to indicate the start of my next cycle? Should I expect to continue feeling my one, lone, pregnancy symptom (frequent urination). Should I expect the miracle that I'm hoping for?

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