Monday, February 24, 2014

I hate high stress

We came to a verbal acceptance on Thursday on the house!!!!! Now it's scheduling the inspection and radon test and working on securing financing.

One would think this would be low stress, but it's not. There IS NOT a rental market where we're moving to, so if anything crazy comes back on the inspection or something happens with the financing, I have no idea where we're going to live. Because of Jon's position, we are supposed to live within 15 miles of the city. We do have permission to live farther away for 6 months, so we could live in a different city for that time, but that's really not ideal. I don't want to move Gus twice, and I'm not sure how many houses enter the market with the criteria we have. The radon test was set Sunday evening. The inspection is scheduled for Wednesday evening. Jon is working on the financing. And now we wait. Just like with everything else, we have to wait.

Our 7w u/s is on Wednesday and I'm terrified. The Iowa OB clinic should have my records no later than Tuesday, but I don't want to call to confirm their receipt until after the u/s. If there's no heartbeat, I don't need to worry about lining up pregnancy care. I HATE that I'm having so much fear. With Gus' pregnancy I bonded right away. I had no doubt we would bring a living baby home. Then Tittle died. I was scared, yes. But eventually I was able to find joy. I was able to rationalize that Oscar and Bella wanted a little brother in Heaven, while we had a son down here. I'm coming up with nothing to help this time.

I think the thing that makes me feel even more horrible is that when we bring this baby home, I will never be pregnant again. I want my last pregnancy to be full of joy, not full of terror. I haven't really even bonded with this pregnancy yet because I'm so afraid that there will be nothing but black on the screen on Wednesday. Then I feel horrible for thinking that, and that it will just be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This morning Jon told me to go to the window. There was one lone star still in the sky, shining brightly, even though the sun had started to rise. Jon said he thought it was a sign. We're not sure what kind of sign? A sign that our four kids are watching over us and all will be good or a sign that they are waiting for another sibling to join them?

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