All hope is gone

I've resigned. I have no more hope for this cycle.

I'm still having some cramping. Discharge has increased and the color has gone more red than brown, and I've put in a tampon. I think the thing that makes this more difficult is that except for the cycle we did in January 2009, I've gotten pregnant every cycle we've done at our fertility clinic. So, it's been 4.5 years since my last negative pregnancy test. Even with the hurt of Firefly, it was softened by the fact that we did conceive.

I'm still going to test tomorrow for confirmation, but I'm fully expecting that CD1 will be tomorrow, which means CD3 labs and u/s on Monday. We will wait to proceed with treatment until after we know my starting E2 level. If it's too high, I think we're going to wait until it comes down before starting follistim. I guess that's one bonus for me not having regular cycles...any day can be CD3.

We also have to talk to the doctor about possibly freezing samples from Jon so that we can make sure we have good samples on IUI days. I'm hoping that the recent issues with Jon's counts have to do with him being on the VLCD program. If that's the case, then he may continue to have count problems until mid-September, which will be about 72 days after he completed transition.

I guess I'm just at a loss. I know that there are others out there that do treatment cycles after treatment cycles without a hint of a positive, so I shouldn't really complain about getting 2 negatives out of 5 cycles, but this is a completely new situation for me. How do I keep hope alive when we've done extremely similar treatments, but are having very different results? At what point do I begin to accept that Gus may be an "only" child, and that I will only have one living child? At what point do I give up?