Thursday, July 11, 2013

Feeling Very Negative, but Hope Still Hangs On (A lot of TMI)

So, after the spotting yesterday, I had nothing more when going to the bathroom or anything. Then, still nothing this morning the first time I went to the bathroom (immediately after waking).

Since then, I've had two more episodes of spotting (and it's only 9:15am). Both have been brown/red (more red than brown), but it's been quite a bit more, though nothing really on my pantyliner. I know, from my hours of searing the internet for descriptions and quizzes for implantation bleeding, that, some women can mistake implantation bleeding for a light period. I know this is in the realm of normal, but let's face it, I'm not normal. So, since I'm not normal, below is an update from every time I've gone to the bathroom today.

9:45am: Nothing, which irritates me. I'm also having a sensation of increased cervical mucus stuck up there. This is the same sensation that I've had two other times. The first was when I was actually in labor with Oscar and Bella. The second was during Gus' pregnancy and it just turned out to just be a glob of mucus in my birth canal, which was easily removed with one humongous q-tip. The realization I had upon leaving the bathroom is that if I'm not pregnant, I want to stop hoping that I am. I want to stop researching implantation bleeding if this really isn't it. If this cycle is truly negative, I just want time to hurry up and pass, test BFN and save my hope for our next cycle.

11:30am: The sensation of increased mucus continues, but other than the one miniscule spot of khaki colored mucus on the paper after wiping was the only thing of note. Even though it's only been about 15 minutes since I went, it feels like I have to pee again, which is what it felt like with Firefly.

1:45pm: Still have the same mucus sensation, and I just sat down, not even 2 minutes after peeing and it feels like I need to pee again. I'm also feeling a heaviness/pressure in my uterine area, but there's so much crammed down there that it might just be last night's hamburger and fresh veggies moving through! Nothing on the TP, though.

3:20pm: Between bathroom trips, the heaviness/pressure was constantly present. Could I redefine this as a dull ache? Are these dull cramps? Probably, since the "severity" undulates, and when it's peaking it there is also some rectal pressure. Prior to having Gus, I never had cramps. After Gus, once I restarted on BCP I would have an afternoon of spotting, then the next day AF would start and I'd have moderate cramping for one day. This sensation is not anywhere near the cramping I had with AF. I had no cramping, that I can recall, during our April cycle (when I ovulated on my own). Nor did I have cramping with Firefly's cycle. During this trip, there was more spotting. It was definitely reddish/brown and took several wipes to remove it all.

Since we're tracking how often I go pee, let's side-track and talk about Gus' pee. He is doing such a great job with potty training. He hasn't had an accident since sometime in June. I'm a "bad" mom since I don't know how long it's been, but I know that it was before July 1. The current potty chart that he's working on is for a camping trip with Jon to a REAL campsite. Overnight and everything. Instead of getting one sticker each time he went potty, he only gets one sticker a day. He has to get seven stickers in a row before Jon will made the reservation for the camp site. He's currently at SIX stickers. I'm so proud of him. He still fights having to go first thing in the morning, but he goes before bed even if we don't tell him to (usually). And, he's beginning to tell his teachers at school when he needs to go.

4:00pm: Yes, seriously, I had to pee again. No, it wasn't a full bladder, but it wasn't just a couple drops either. Only thing on the TP was remnants from the last potty break.

6:00pm: A very quick potty break as I surprised Gus with a picnic dinner at the park. Just after packing a dinner and just before heading out the door, there was some dry, stringy discharge on the TP, and it was very dark brown.

8:20pm: Still having the pressure/dull ache and had just a little bit of almost-black, dry discharge on the TP. Can I dare to be hopeful that the "heavy" spotting this morning, which was more red, truly was implantation bleeding and that's why the color has changed to dark?

Through this entire day, and rereading all of my bathroom trips, I realize that there is still hope. There is still hope within me for this cycle. My lining was almost 11mm the day before trigger, so I guess I shouldn't be entirely surprised that I'd have implantation bleeding this cycle; that's a lot of lining for that little embryo to implant in.

10:20pm: My last trip to the potty today, and there was more discharge. It was more red-tinged than at 6pm, but definitely not AF red. So, after my paragraph about hope above, I'm now trying to prepare myself for a negative on Saturday.

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