Wednesday, July 24, 2013

My estrogen has dropped

What?!? How did that happen? Even with it dropping, my lining has increased.
I had my appointment this morning and it did not go as expected. Dr. O came in with Nurse H, who is being trained to perform u/s. Dr. O asked how I was doing and I told him that if there was no growth, I was going to start crying. He told me that we would take a look, then see what the estrogen level is. If the estrogen had not increased significantly, then we would up my follistim dose.

Just prior to Nurse H beginning the u/s, I asked Dr. O if there was any negative impact on the egg quality from a longer stim cycle. He said that in Europe they stim slow AND achieve a higher pregnancy rate than we do in the USA, so when possible, he now likes to do a slow stim cycle. The problem with this is that in the US so many people are paying out of pocket and can't afford the extra costs for all the u/s and lab appointments. So, the u/s began and my lining is 6.71mm and doing well, but not thick enough yet. Then we began viewing the ovaries....nothing. I could tell that the follicles were slightly larger, but nothing measurable and nothing breaking away from the pack. Then, Dr. O redid the scan, to confirm, and that's when the tears came. There weren't many,and I tried to hold it together, but there was definitely a crying session in the car on the way to work.

Right now, I'm just beside myself. Crying without abandon. Yes, the road to conceiving Oscar and Bella was not the easiest, but when we found what worked, it worked on the first try. We did 4 rounds of clomid over 6 months with an OB before being referred to an RE. On our first cycle with them, we produced three good-looking follicles, but did TI and didn't conceive. Then we changed TI to IUI and bam, we were pregnant. After they died, and we went back to treatments, we followed the same protocol and, first try, we conceived. Now, it's like climbing uphill, but instead of running, I have to low-crawl the entire way up the hill, and it feels like we just keep sliding down to the bottom.

I hate this. I hate that I can't just conceive like a normal woman. I hate that I've already given back three of my children and now I might have to give up the dream of a fourth. I hate that it costs us thousands of dollars just to try to conceive a child. I hate that we might have to end this journey due to lack of money. I hate that we're doing what we can to get pregnant, but it's not working, when once it did.

I want another child here. I want two here. I don't think I'm asking too much. Yes, yes, I should be thankful for what I have, that I have Gus here. And I am. Anyone who says that I'm not is just full of shit. Just because I successfully brought one home doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to want more. How many families on this planet have more than one living child? Why are they looked at without any passing glance, but I'm looked at with judgment?

A thought occurred to me today, as I was prepping for my injection. Maybe the reason that I'm not responding well is that I'm injecting into scar tissue from my CGMS. Wouldn't that just be great? So, I took tonight's injection in my other leg and plan to try switching to my abdomen, which has very little scar tissue, for the rest of my shots. I know that part of my feelings are due to the lack of control, but I have to have something to give me hope. I hope that switching to a different injection site helps the absorption of the follistim and gets these follicles to grow. There's nothing else right now that I can think of to give me any hope that we'll get to bring another baby home.

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