CD1 and lost

It's official. I tested this morning and it was a Big Fat Negative, so I have a CD3 appt scheduled for 8am on Monday.

I'm glad that I expected the BFN this morning; it made it easier to see that single line. But, what isn't easier is that we are not pregnant after what seemed to be an easy time getting pregnant in the past. We will go in on Monday, get by u/s and E2 done. We will ask about freezing Jon's samples for IUI days. And we will wait to see what happens with this cycle.

There is still the underlying fears/questions about what happens if we don't get pregnant again. I know, since I already talked to my counselor about this, that I'll eventually be okay. I will grieve not having more living children in a way similar to how I'm grieving my kids in Heaven. But, just because I know I will be okay if our only living child is Gus, it doesn't mean that it is an easy thing to accept.

I used to feel so sure that we would get pregnant and bring home another child. I used to think that we knew what to do to get pregnant. Now, that's changed. Have I already prepared myself for another disappointing and tragic life event that I have no say in? If I start preparing myself now, will it be easier to accept when we don't bring another child home? While this seems smart, from a self-preservation point of view, if feels so wrong and unfair to any child we would conceive. It feels like I'm only going through the motions of trying when I don't really believe that they will work.

Don't get me wrong, I still truly do want to be pregnant again. I want Gus to be a big brother. I want to be a mother to two living children. But I also know that if that doesn't happen, I need to be prepared to continue being a good mother to Gus. I just feel lost. I've never not had hope when it came to getting pregnant.

When we were doing clomid cycles with the OB, we never got any follicles to grow, so there was the hope that when working with the RE we would get follicles to grow. With our January 2009 cycle, we ovulated, but didn't get pregnant with TI, so there was the hope that with more follicles and double IUI we would conceive. When we Oscar and Bella died, and after we received signs from them, we had hope that while we had already suffered extreme tragedy, we wouldn't be hit again. When we lost Tittle, we had hope that Oscar and Bella just wanted a little brother in Heaven and one with us. And now we're here. We've undergone two cycles: one chemical pregnancy and one BFN. A complete opposite of what happened that led us to Gus.

Are we seriously in the case of "be thankful for what you have"? I am thankful for what I have. Just because I've lost children doesn't mean that I can only have one with me! Just because by body is stupid and I need medical assistance to ovulate doesn't mean that I'm one-and-done. The number of children I have should be my decision. I shouldn't be limited my money or my stupid body.

Yes, my stupid body. Now I'm getting angry that my body can't just work how it's supposed to...which doesn't get me anywhere. I can't make my body work any differently, other than what we've been doing: follistim, bloodwork, IUI's. Sigh.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." --Albert Einstein

With each cycle, we've had improvement, then we had Gus. Now, we've only gotten worsening results. Are we insane to keep going? Am I overreacting and this is just par for the course and we've just been super lucky and the next cycle will be better? I'm hoping it's the latter.