CD5: Still feeling lost

We had our CD3 appointment on Monday. I have no cysts, my E2 came back at 74.8, and we started Follistim that night. I still feel lost.

When we were at the appointment, we asked RE if it made sense, if my E2 came back high, to delay starting follistim so that my E2 could decrease; he thought that wouldn't be a bad idea. We asked about Jon's sperm counts, if the amount or type of exercise that he was engaging in could have been the cause; he said no, exercise was good for Jon. We asked if we should freeze a sperm sample so that we know we'd have a good sample available to do 2 IUI's this cycle; he said that at $400 it might not be worth it. I was able to, kind of, keep it together until RE left the room, but then I started crying. We had such great success in 2009 conceiving and now it's just been terrible. Stim really fast and stim really slow. Chemical pregnancy and negative.

As Jon and I began discussing whether or not to freeze a sample, I sent a message to RE:  "How much do our chances of conception increase by doing a double IUI instead of a single IUI?" I then went to Mr. Google. My internet searching for statistics on double IUI vs. single IUI led me to discover that while there is a slight increase in conception with double IUI, it's not a statistical difference. I also discovered that sperm that have been frozen/thawed don't live as long as fresh sperm (only 24 hours), which leads to using frozen for the second IUI. But, there's the question of  whether or not freezing/thawing reduces sperm stats, which we will ask at our next appointment.

Later that morning, RE called with the results of my E2: 74.8. My starting E2 for the cycle in which we conceived Gus and Tittle was 77, so we decided to move ahead with Follistim. That doesn't mean I'm not still worried, especially after getting a response from RE: "Hard to know, but I would guess maybe 20-30%. So if your chances are 15% with one, I'd say it would increase to 18% or so with 2."

18%! That's it! In 2009, my chances of conception were 25% each cycle! What happened?!? I'm almost 33, that's what happened. So, along with having to deal with plain infertility, now I'm dealing with Jon's random sperm issues and me getting old. This is our third IUI cycle to conceive rainbow #2. If this doesn't work, what do we do? During my internet searching, I linked my way into a "how many IUI's to do?". One one clinic's website (not my clinic) it said that if you don't conceive via IUI within 3 cycles you should go to IVF. What?!? At the moment Gus was born, we had done two IUI cycles. We conceived during both of them.

As if I didn't feel lost enough, now I'm feeling more and more that we will never have a second rainbow. Gus will never be a big brother. I will never have the feeling of having each of my hands held by different children. I will never be the parent of more than one living child. I will never have to stop sibling fights. I will never has to have discussions about sibling sharing. I will never have a dual-double-date with Jon. I will never have to arrange for two separate one-on-one times.

I know that I have so much by having Gus at home, but that doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt to potentially have to give up dreams. I already gave up my dreams for Oscar, Bella and Tittle. Now I have to possibly give up dreams for Lucy/Ike? I hate infertility.