Saturday, July 20, 2013


It just seems that my past, present and future are all converging on me.

Thursday morning we had an appointment at our fertility clinic. Dr. P walked in and asked how we were doing. I responded honestly when I said, "Despondent. I'm on the verge of tears pretty much all the time." She then grabbed a tissue for me while we both began tearing up. I briefly explained how difficult it was to go from complete and utter success in IUI cycles to complete and utter failure post-Gus. Fortunately, our current dosage seems to be doing the trick. My lining increased over 2mm in three days and my E2 level rose appropriately. We were prescribed 3 more days of 75units follistim and return on Sunday.

That night, Jon and I had my sister and oldest nephew babysit Gus for us so that we could go to our Bereaved Parents Support Group. I had some comp time at work, so I left at 1:30, got home and started baking cookies to bring as a birthday treat. I just finished the peanut butter oatmeal (what I think Oscar would like) and the mini M&M (what I think Bella would like) when Heather and Keegan arrived. We jumped in the car to go get Gus while Jon stayed behind to finish the cookies and clean up. We had a good dinner and played, but when Jon and I needed to leave to get to group, Gus began whining and telling us that he wanted to go to group. Seriously, how do I tell my only living child that he can't go to a group for his brothers and sister. After telling him several times that it was only for Mommies and Daddies did he seem okay. But, he wanted to close the door after us, which we let him. He saw that Jon was carrying a bag with Oscar Bear, Bella Bear and Tittle Stone. "Why are you taking my brothers and sister?" The pangs of my heart were unspeakable. Luckily, Jon answered his questions.

Group was very difficult for me. We are approaching 4 years since Oscar and Bella were born and died. I can tell that I'm much more emotional because it's July, and the lack of success with fertility treatments is only adding to that. I talked about all the things that I'm missing because they're not here. This summer we would be prepping them for 4K this fall, getting excited about school lists and school shopping. Having a care-free summer as the last one before school started. They would be increasingly showing me that they are their own two people, with their own likes/dislikes and their own personalities. What also made group difficult is the looming reality that we may not bring home any other children. One woman announced that she is 8w pregnant with her rainbow. I love that she is pregnant, but I'm so jealous that it's not me. Another woman is much farther along in pregnancy, thought I don't recall if she's reached viability yet. She was also there...pregnant with her 2nd rainbow. I'm jealous. I'm sad. I hate that there is absolutely nothing I can do, other than what we're already doing, to get me pregnant and bring home another living child.

The next morning, Friday, was full of tears and bittersweet moments. Gus has really begun talking about his brothers and sister a lot at home. We've taught him that when the sky is super pink it's a Bella sky, super blue is an Oscar sky, and any other color is a Tittle Sky. At the breakfast table he said, "My brothers and sisters are here. They're eating breakfast." According to him, they were eating oatmeal. I started to cry. How I wish they really were with us, eating oatmeal for breakfast. The entire drive to daycare he talked about his brothers and sisters, and I cried the entire time, then sobbed during my drive to work.

Gus told me again how his brothers and sister were in the sky, which started my tears falling. "Mom, my brothers and sisters are here. They're done in Heaven." I had to tell him that Oscar, Bella and Tittle would never be done in Heaven, so maybe they were visiting. To which he responded, "They're calling you. 'Mama, Mama, Mama.' Answer them." This is when I had to try to really control my sobbing, but it really broke my heart. Were they there? Were they there watching us, riding with us to Gus' school? Were they there, but only Gus was able to see and hear them? I, of course, answered back to them. Not only for Gus' sake, but for theirs as well. I hope they were there. I just wish I could scoop them up, give them hugs and kisses, and bring them home.

I then spent the rest of the morning at work crying on and off. Of course I want Gus to talk about his brothers and sisters. Of course it's going to hurt some because I miss them so much. I just don't want Gus to stop talking about them BECAUSE it makes me cry. I'm hoping that the more he talks about them the easier it will be for me to keep it together. Last night Gus was up too late-he kept getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. On one trip out of his room he looked outside and said that it was a Bella sky. "My brothers and sisters are here. Why?" Because I was frustrated, I told him that they were here checking on him and wondering why he wasn't in bed. I wasn't 100% please with my response, in hindsight, but if they were physically here, they probably would be checking on him and watching out for him. This morning, on the way downstairs for breakfast, Gus again looked outside and told me that his brothers and sisters were here; that it was a little bit of a Bella sky. I didn't cry either of these times, so I'm making progress.

I think part of what brings the tears on is the fear that I've held for so long that Oscar, Bella and Tittle would not be part of Gus' life because they came before him. He has no memories of them, and is only learning of them through us. So, for him to bring them up, out of the blue, without us even talking about them, is such a relief.

As if all of that wasn't emotional enough, my past and present children coming together, then there's all of the emotional stuff happening trying to conceive our future child. If my predictions are correct, we will IUI on Saturday, July 27, during the exact time frame that we scheduled a party for Oscar and Bella's 4th birthday. I mean, come on! We're hosting an open house get-together from 9am to 12pm. In past, when IUI's were on the weekends, our IUI's were scheduled for 9:30am. Part of me wants to believe that this is a sign, that Oscar and Bella are reminding us that if they were here, Jon and I would have to find ways to accommodate all of our kids and all of their activities. But, after last cycle, with all of the signs that I thought I had, I'm not really feeling too confident in thinking that this potential time conflict means anything.

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what Gus will or won't say about his brothers and sisters that will or won't make me cry. I don't know what overlaps or conflicts might occur with Oscar, Bella, Tittle, Firefly, Gus and Lucy/Ike. What I do know is that I hope that we continue having them.

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