Feeling completely deflated

This morning's appointment was not what we had hoped it would be.
We thought we would head into the appointment and see one lead follicle with a close second, trigger tonight and be on our way, hopeful that we'd be pregnant. Instead, we saw all those little follicles catching up to the big follicle.

Date	CD	Lining	Follicles	E2	Follistim
1/8/2014	3			85.4
1/9/2014	4
1/10/2014	5				125
1/11/2014	6				125
1/12/2014	7	7.08 Multi-layered		215.2	125
1/13/2014	8				125
1/14/2014	9	7.5 Multi-layered		445.9	125
1/15/2014	10				125
1/16/2014	11	8.7 Multi-layered	L: 9.93, 9.26, 8.98; R: 9.54, 8.2	987.9	75
1/17/2014	12				75
1/18/2014	13	9.27 Multi-layered	L: 14.4, 13.65, 13.16, 11.67, 11.6; R: 12.94, 12.34, 11.16, 11.04, 10.88, 9.6	2353.7	25
1/19/2014	14	9.13 Multi-layered	L: 16.1, 13.22, 12.94,12.42, 11.28; R: 14.83, 13.03, 12.98, 12.42, 12.16	2391.7	25
1/20/2014	15	9.42 Multi-layered	L: 15.18, 15.17, 13.18, 12.24, 11.38, 10.98, 10.46; R: 15.46, 14.6, 14.08, 14.07, 13.94, 12.26, 11.94	2700.4

And yes, if you're looking at that correctly, the 16.1 on the left that I had yesterday today measured at 15.18. I know, I know, it's only a mm, but that's a HUGE millimeter when we're trying to decide when to trigger.

Dr. P told us that we'd wait to see what my E2 came back at. If the E2 really jumped, that may make the decision for us. She also wanted to talk about it with Dr. O, who is technically our primary RE. At the end of our appointment, we were left with the following possibilities:

1. If E2 was super high, our decision would be made for us.
2. We could trigger tonight.
3. We could take more meds tonight and go in for an appointment tomorrow.
4. We could coast without meds for a day and go in for an appointment tomorrow.

Thoughts:

1. This would make me feel better, as we wouldn't have to decide anything.
2. Concerned that we could conceive triplets, as well as concerned that the eggs won't be mature enough and lead us to a BFN.
3. Not hopeful that this will work, based on my response from yesterday meds. Instead of the lead follicle growing, it would just keep growing all the smaller ones and we'd end up with 6 mature eggs and a cancelled cycle.
4. Don't think this would work at all, especially since my lead follicle from yesterday measured 1mm smaller this morning. I think coasting would just make everything shrink and we'd have a cancelled cycle.

Jon and I left the clinic and waited for Dr. P to call. When Dr. P called, I conferenced Jon in on the call and discussed our options.

1. E2 was not super high, no decision made for us.
2. This option is still on the table.
3. Neither doctor is comfortable with me taking more meds tonight, so this option is off the table.
4. If we coasted, it would be for 1-2 days. If the follies started to shrink, we could take more meds to get them to grow again, but Dr. P said this is only successful 50% of the time.

Jon and I hung up with Dr. P and then had to make a decision from our two non-desirable choices. All we could go on to make the decision was gut feeling and trying to see if there was, in fact, some pattern to my cycles.

With Gus and Tittle, our two lead follicles were 16.5 and 14.42 (both L). We did see a heartbeat with Tittle, but I can't help but question if the 14.42 was too immature for a successful pregnancy. With Firefly, our lead follicles were 16.46 (L) and 14.42 (R). Again, were these too immature? I know we were dealing with low sperm counts, too, but that doesn't make me feel better since we are only doing one IUI this time and not back-to-back. So, the cycles that I've gotten pregnant (not counting Oscar and Bella's because those leading 4 follies were all 17), we've been able to get pregnant with follies around 16.5, but this cycle we're only in the 15's. We also didn't feel comfortable just coasting, as we both felt that we'd just see shrinking follicles and a cancelled cycle.

So, we are triggering tonight, with hopes (small hopes) that the eggs that are released are mature, and will do an IUI on Wednesday.

I'm just so deflated. Today I had plans to honor Tittle, and now I'm just not feeling up to it. Last year I was upbeat and positive when being sneaky for Tittle, but today I'm just not feeling sneaky at all. Yesterday I thought we'd go in this morning, see our lead follicle, be confident in triggering tonight, I'd do my sneaky stuff to honor Tittle and it would be a good day. Now, I'm just kind of blah.

I guess this is just one of those times where I need to disconnect a little bit and focus on what I want to focus on. I want to feel good about celebrating Tittle today, not sad thinking about a future child that may never happen. Tittle deserves for me to celebrate him, and that's what I'm going to do. The anniversary of his death is this coming Saturday, so not the most ideal day to do whatever I want by myself. So, I'm going to stand up, dust myself off, go buy some candy, sneak it into the movie theater and watch myself a kid's movie. Tonight, and the next 15 days, I can lament about how unfair everything is, how it shouldn't be this hard to have kids and how we shouldn't be put into situations where we have to weigh emotions, logic and finances, but not right now...

...wish me luck.