Happy New Year! No, not really

I hate that phrase. I hear it and read it every year, and every year it makes me cringe inside. Oscar's and Bella's due date was January 1, 2010.

Jon and I knew that Oscar and Bella wouldn't make their due date, due to the fact they were twins, and everyone hopes to get to 36w with twins. So, we realistically knew they would come before January 1. With this due date, though, Jon and I had conversations about how strange, bizarre, unique it would be to have one twin born in 2009 and one in 2010. Not only would they be born on different days or months, but even different years and decades!

On their original due date, we already knew we were pregnant, and that helped soften the grief of an unfulfilled due date. We had conceived the day after their 36w goal and we felt they were telling us it was okay to want a younger sibling for them. We met with a couple, whose twin boys had died in November 2009, and made snow angels together.

In 2011, 2012 and 2013, with the addition of Tittle also being honored in January, we've moved away from January 1 and aimed for a day in January to invite others from the loss community to our home to make snow angels...it doesn't always work out. In 2011, it was TOO COLD and there was not enough snow. In 2012, we had snow, so we were able to make our snow angels. In 2013, I didn't want to plan against weather, so I had supplies available to make these Angel Ornaments.

2014? I don't know. I don't know if I have it in me to have the open house. Firefly's due date was February 13, but because the docs wouldn't let me go past 39w, our functional due date was February 6, just a couple weeks after the anniversary of learning Tittle had died. I'm just feeling down right now. I'm feeling down that it's a repeat of 2009 into 2010, but with one huge difference. In both years I lost a pregnancy, but this year, I don't have a rainbow growing.

It also doesn't help that this article was on yahoo's home page. I think New Year's is never going to be for me what it is for so many: filled with hope.